RaNt

attention.

2011-12-18T01:19:00.000-08:00

don't explain: people only hear what they want to hear
-paulo coelho

and so I learned for today.
that the meaning of hellows are different each time
and that names when used in a different tone means something else entirely
I am remembered only when bored
and shoved in a corner when things are hectic
but then again maybe I was just being sensitive
maybe, maybe not
who will ever know
right?

easements

2011-10-16T20:12:00.000-07:00

what is the similarity between men and legal easements?

Like legal easements, men are for public use even if privately owned

;p

t*ngin*ng quiz yan
epekto ng panunuod ng no other woman eh
:))

equity.

2011-09-25T22:25:00.000-07:00

My friend and I got into a little misunderstanding because according to our other friend I was too much of righteous jerk and she a selfish bitch. What was actually funny about this is that we fought over a yakult bottle. I was telling her to pick up the bottle which fell to the floor of the first floor tenants because it was her bottle and that it is unfair for the person downstairs to have to clean somebody else's mess. She said that she didn't deliberately wanted to inconvenienced anyone and that the wind blew the bottle. It was on her part a fortuitous event. I told her that regardless of what her intention was the fact was that she had inconvenienced someone and she has to do something about it. She on the other hand couldn't understand why she had to go to so much trouble when she didn't deliberately wanted to inconvenienced anyone. And she said it was a little bottle, it wouldn't even count as a mess, it was a small litter in their floor. And then I asked her if she wanted to clean somebody else's mess, what if that happened to her instead? wouldn't she want the one who threw it pick it up and clean her floor?
And she just said I shouldn't lecture her, she have other important things to argue and think about. I was so disappointed with her.

‘In the beginning, there was only a small amount of injustice abroad in the world, but everyone who came afterwards added their portion, always thinking that it was only very small and unimportant, and look where we have ended up today.’
--The devil and ms.prym

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sometimes I wonder why there are people who would want to add more injustice to a world already overflowing with it.
Everyday I came across people who would deliberately do things that they know would amount to an imbalance, a shift in equity or a tilt in the wrong end of justice.
We see it in the news everyday. Updates on plunder cases, robbery, theft and other complicated crimes that are all rooted in greed and selfishness.
Even worse is that the very same people who prosecute are also the perpetrators.
We are conscious of all these things and yet we still choose to add to them perhaps because it is the easier thing to do. For who would want to be just when you're dealing with people who are all selfish and unjust right? Better to take than to have things always taken from you. We all have to look after ourselves.
And I suppose that is how most of the people in this world think.

But I refused to believe that we are a corrupted race. I know that some people out there think differently. Some still believe in equity.

simple.

2011-08-28T05:22:00.000-07:00

i meant to say something different.
a rarely said word or maybe a figurative phrase.
but the opportunity came and went and I was left with hey.
simple,plain,literal.

faux-hiatus.

2011-08-03T19:30:00.000-07:00

the thing is, not because you stopped doing something means that you have stopped thinking

because the thoughts, they never cease
they are there constantly nagging your brain with new ideas, images and conflicts and recalling fantasies, recreating memories etc
and sometimes you just wonder how you could manage getting flooded with all those thoughts
everyday, sometimes every hour, even every minute

but then life moves fast as well, the influx of thoughts a mere reaction to that fast moving ever changing world we lived in
so I suppose the question would always be the same for everyone
because we can't be on faux-hiatus all the time
it is a reprieve only, never a remedy

nuevo.

2011-06-10T23:12:00.000-07:00

new city, new people, new building, new stuff, new style.

2nd chance at something you thought you've lost.

short stories of our time

2011-05-30T03:34:00.000-07:00

i read about crying in the rain and tears like broken water pipes
i knew about unsent letters and pictures kept
i remembered things like I love yous and words such as kisses in the dark
they are familiar to everyone, not just to me
and it is sad to learn of endings and excuses
but more depressing to know of the truth
because no matter how many times we turn the pages
they are just going to be stories
always one to two pages short
never a novel, even of the Russian kind
In this time, in this land, in this society

unless maybe some things change
and an author is brave enough to rewrite them
maybe make a thousand page tome for all those short stories
you and I have come to love

getting lost

2011-05-23T03:53:00.000-07:00

in life there would always be questions
and the truth is we would rarely find the answers to them
oftentimes there would be half truths and lies
and so many gray areas
so it is ok to be feel lost sometimes
it is ok to be dumbfounded
so long as we always try to find the right way back

nostalgic mornings.

2011-05-16T03:29:00.000-07:00

friday the 13th again
i woke up to the sound of my phone ringing
and somewhere in the back of my sleep laden brain
is the question "why is my phone not on vibrate mode?"
but muscles have their own memory and
so i yawned and automatically reached for my phone
your name was flashing on the screen
blinking insistently like the Christmas lights in my mother's favorite tree
i pressed silent and stared stupidly at the screen
waiting for the end call to appear
then I promptly fall back to sleep
and when i woke up again my first thought was of you
after so many years of celebrating because i have finally forgotten you
i am back to that, to this, to you as my first thought of the day
you cannot imagine how strange that is
my brain recognizes you without me thinking consciously
my muscles remember what to do when you call
but at least my heart did not fail me this time
it knew who it beats for

stuffed animals.

2011-04-05T03:30:00.000-07:00

summer.

2011-03-30T01:57:00.000-07:00

Summer means different things for different people.
It may mean ice creams, unlimited playtime and hot days for some
or beaches, daytrips and all night partying for others
maybe even added schoolwork or extra jobs.
But there is one meaning of summer that I think is universal for everyone.
The start of something new, something different.
I think that no matter who you are or where you are
when summer starts something different happens in your life.
Maybe a new routine, a different job, a different set of wardrobe etc.
It may not be big sudden changes but changes nonetheless.
And changes that affect your life one way or another.

glasses.

2011-03-22T04:04:00.000-07:00

you were that pair of spectacles I needed to clear my increasingly blurring vision
the moment you came into my life, everything started making sense
now they are not just shapes and shadows in technicolor haze
but things and people in multicolor facets

while waiting for the rain to stop.

2011-03-07T03:51:00.000-08:00

and just like the old times, i sit in front of a computer and type incoherent random thoughts away, while the aircon freezes me and the rain is pouring non-stop.

and today is even predicted to be hot...
weirdo weather
friggin rain

oh and I was late for class kanina
wth right?

of bomb-blasts and fires and maybe guardian angels.

2011-03-06T04:46:00.000-08:00

I have been sheltered my entire life and before law school I have always lived in my parents' house. I never had to worry about fires and thieves and other dangerous things. I was safe. But now I am exposed 24/7 to all things dangerous. I lived at probably one of the most dangerous places in Manila where rallies happen almost everyday. I always went home late at night and walk home to an unlighted street populated with street people who are always suspicious looking. I eat at many unsanitary places probably risking my health in the process. And I lounged about places that are often filled with smoke that are perhaps more than just cigarette smoke. I had been at that bomb-blast in Taft where many of my classmates where injured and just recently a fire broke out near my dorm. At both instances I was thankfully not hurt. But both events made me think more about death and my own mortality. And perhaps God and guardian angels who keep me from harm. It has been so long since I believed in anything supernatural and it is quite a refreshing to realize that the belief in something as childish as guardian angels still exists somewhere in the deep recesses of my heart and mind.
And so today, I went to Church thanking God for keeping me alive despite the many dangerous things surrounding me, for keeping my loved ones safe and for sending guardian angels to guard my every move.
And tonight I'll go to sleep but not before I say that long ago memorized guardian angel prayer.
Just to show my appreciation to Gabriel, Michael, Satriel, Raphael, Uriel, Judiel, Barachiel and to all those other angels whose names I don't know. :)

fyi

2011-02-09T05:53:00.000-08:00

it was a poem for a friend
a classmate who broke up with a boyfriend
who happens to be a fellow classmate

the encounter in a heartbeat.

2011-02-09T04:29:00.000-08:00

it used to be us
that loud laugh in the hallway
the boisterous and the merry

today the hallway is full of activity
but the laughs I hear are empty

it used to be us
that quiet whispering in the corner
the frantic hush of every murmur

today those corners seemed colder
without us they looked even darker

Yes, it used to be us
that suggestion of inseparability in a pronoun
the you and the me used as a noun

tonight we are not even words
just two people across the street

and an encounter that lasted just a heartbeat

look back and then look forward

2011-02-05T09:23:00.001-08:00

sometimes a day is all a person needs to put things back into perspective..
sometimes it is good to be reminded of why we do certain things and why we believe in the things we do..
and sometimes it is better to stop and look back than move in a fast pace and keep moving forward aimlessly..
because it is only in stopping or in slowing down that we get to see the view, enjoy the experience and feel the moment..
it is only in looking back that we remember that that was who we were,
that we see that this is who we are now,
and also notice the little discrepancies between then and now
it is important that we know who we were in order for us to move forward and be better persons today and in the future

wistfulness.

2011-02-02T08:03:00.000-08:00

I like to keep
the wistfulness at bay
with boisterous laughter
and subtle disarray

because

I hate for you to peek
at the pity way
I meekly saunter
through each day

simplicity and vanity.

2011-01-31T09:12:00.000-08:00

When you've done everything you can, let it go. That's simplicity. Worrying now would be vanity.

touch of fiction.

2011-01-26T23:26:00.000-08:00

the feel of palm against palm
thumb caressing thumb
pinky teasing pinky
forefinger on forefinger
it was almost sensual,
slightly even feverish and fast
and yet
the deliberateness of it had undone me
they say that the eyes cannot lie but I would say the hands;
especially your hands,
they do not lie...

and in the dark they scream the whole truth

grandma.

2011-01-23T04:33:00.000-08:00

My paternal grandmother is a small woman, with tattooed eyebrows and still thick curly hair. She looked harmless enough but one should not be fooled by her small stature for she is someone to reckoned with. She had lived through so many hardships that I cannot help but wonder how she survived all those years.

She was a teenager during the war, dodging the Japanese and discreetly helping the guerillas. After the war she finished studying and pursued a career in teaching at a time when women were not expected to have careers. During the post-war era she traveled all over the country teaching at different schools. It was during one of these forays in the country that she met my grandfather, then an aspiring lawyer. She got married at an age that was considered old by that time and then put my grandfather through law school. When my grandfather died she raised my father and his siblings alone, putting them through professional school and law school just by her meager principal's income. She was a working mother long before working mothers were accepted by society. She fought prejudice in every turn.
She retired at age 60, lived in Bangkok with my aunt and her Thai husband. Went to Saudi for a few years with my uncle and his family. Then went back to live with each of his children here in the city. She got her small intestine removed at 70, had her eyes lasered at age 75 and went to live alone in her big house at the province at age 76.

She is smart and funny. Strict but loving. Family-oriented but independent. I adore her completely.

She is old now and she can't do all the things that she used to do. She has mellowed through the years.

And now she is sick and I can't even visit her.
:(

pondering..

2011-01-20T01:17:00.000-08:00

Do you think that being loyal also means being trustworthy?
Or is it the other way around, that being trustworthy means you are loyal?
Is fidelity also measured by how much loyalty a person has?
I know they are interrelated somehow, if not pertaining to the same thing
and yet I can't help but feel that something in that relation is missing.

and is your inability to trust others just a manifestation of your inability to trust yourself?
say that you doubt all the time only because you don't trust yourself?

no sleep and 1000 more pages to go

2011-01-18T20:00:00.000-08:00

I was at your station.
At the school we shared.
With rain steadily falling.
So of course I thought of you.
Of course. imy

01/08/11

2011-01-09T08:54:00.000-08:00

Thank you Lord for the gift of life.
The days leading to my birthday this year may not be all brilliant but it was a good learning experience.

Thank you Lord for the gift of friendship.
Because during the days that are not so brilliant, my friends were there to cheer me up
and help me forget.

Thank you Lord for the gift of love.
For without it my life would have been devoid of its current liveliness.

Continue to guide me as I journey through life, lead me to the right paths and help me make the right decisions. May everything be according to your will.
-------------------------------------------------------------

bonchon chicken.heineken beer.coffee crunch cake.cupcakes.gummiworms.planner.parker pen.new money.admu.gesu.up.roc.qc circle.crossing.tiendesitas. balloon.recordedsong.book.fountain pen prototype.load.statio.glee.trolli burger.skyflakes.pillow.videomsg.chocolate.gift cert.bookmark.cheese and rum cake.yanyan.hightlighter.birthdaymsgs.sambong tea.letters.24th spent amnesia girl style. :)

of whipped creams and frappes and overloaded confusion

2011-01-02T19:33:00.000-08:00

but then again I can write words that were meant to be read but not understood. an afternoon coffee and a pocketful of sunshine does that to my brain. hello happy glow of uncertainty. hi there sunglasses. i am thinking of summer, yes that is true. even when the nights are often cold and mosquitoes still bite me like crazy. i so love mocha frappes. and yeah you love whipped creams. extra extra on the side. i missed the quiet solitude moments like this brings. and yeah we all know what that means. ah the thoughts in my head are all jumbled now. this is what you do to me. and yeah yeah coffee too. this is why we don't need alcohol. we get high just like this. simply like this. hello you.

protection.

2011-01-02T17:08:00.000-08:00

for all his quiet moroseness and quick temper
my father has never failed to protect me
one small comment and he comes rushing
outside with his sword
like some old samurai
:))

1.1.11

2011-01-01T04:35:00.000-08:00

hello 2011!
I just want a stable year ahead please.
Enough of the drama and the changes.
I just want to set things right.
so please please just be steady

why i am like this

2010-12-27T03:06:00.000-08:00

i like walls but i dont like doors

i like mysteries but i dont like suspense

i like fences but i dont like gates

i like stories but i dont like short stories

dahil gusto ko lang

2010-12-27T02:39:00.000-08:00

minsan naiisip ko paano kaya kung ibang tao ako?

paano kung ang tatay ko ay hindi ko tatay

at ang nanay ko ay hindi ko nanay?

paano kung anak ako ng intsik o kaya naman arabo?

paano kaya ang magiging buhay ko?

mas magiging madali ba o mas magiging mahirap?

madalas naiisip ko baka nga mas madali maging

anak ng ibang tao.

baka sakali mas madali ang takbo ng buhay ko.

baka sakali hindi ako madidiktahan kung anong

dapat kong gawin.

ngunit kapag nilalambing na ako ng nanay ko

at kinukulit ako ng kapatid ko

at hinahalikan ako ng mga tiyo at tiya ko

naiisip ko siguro ayos na din ang ganitong buhay

mahal naman ako ng mga kamag-anak ko

marami nga lang sila umaasa sakin

maraming nga lang pangarap na minsan hindi ko

naman pinangarap para sa sarili ko

ang drama nito

nakakainis lang

multiple smiles.

2010-12-20T02:46:00.000-08:00

it was raining particularly hard and I was soaking wet
i woke up way too early for an 11am mass and it was so cold
i was tired from the trip and was a bit grumpy
i kept complaining to my mom
then this little kid came up to me
and with a smile on her face
said "merry christmas ate! gusto mo ng sampaguita?"
she didn't begged and she kept on smiling
and just like that my day got better
---------------

we were at the sala and little Draven was being put to sleep
my younger cousins were sifting through old photographs
and my mom and aunts were pouring red wine and soju
my sister was looking at my cousins' yearbooks
and my other cousins were singing and
laughing rather loudly outside
we were all smiling
---------------

i went down because i was tired of posing at the photobooth
and because there were too many people i don't know
and too many people staring at me
i had to keep smiling though because it was the polite thing
to do
--------------

i caught him smoking and looking far away
my sister and cousins followed us
and my other cousin smoked with him
he became the butt of our jokes, green and otherwise
we kept teasing him about being single for the first
time in five years and he just kept on smoking
and smiling
and as the jokes go on
the cigarette butts on the floor kept on piling too
---------------

i kissed him on the cheek
and whispered sorry for all the jokes my cousins and sister
made on his behalf and
for reminding him about his love problems
he just smiled at me and said
"don't worry ate, strong ata to noh"
and i also just smiled back

tulaang matalinghaga

2010-12-10T08:04:00.000-08:00

ano nga ba ang sukatan
ang iyong dalamhati ba o ang kaya kong ibigay?
ikaw nga ba ang sugatan
o maaring sa iba ang tunay na pagsasalaysay?

sa aking pagtawid sa mga linyang sumisigaw ng pula
manunumbalik ba ako sa yakap mo?
at sa aking pagwasak sa mga dingding ng pangkatao mo
may mahahagkan pa ba ako?

mahiwaga ang mga ito
ngunit sadya bang matalanghiga?
namimistulang pangarap
pero mananatili nga bang magara?
-rich-
--------------------------------------
kaya mas nanaisin ko na nga sigurong ayusin ang buhay mo

acrophobia--fear of heights

2010-12-09T21:26:00.000-08:00

I realized that what I was really afraid of is not the high place but the imminent danger of falling.
I was simply afraid to fall.
That this nuisance of a fear is really caused by my fear of falling rather than my fear of heights.
And if we really think about it, this is not at all irrational.
Because who the heck wants to fall?

my day/night yesterday

2010-12-06T15:58:00.000-08:00

piano playing in the background
dirty talk
bruises in my arms
problematic friends
logic versus love
and relearning how to bike

because i can't find my other fountain pen.

2010-12-04T22:57:00.000-08:00

in olden times the only way to write and share your thoughts was to write them down with the use of a quill and later on with a pen. if i had lived then i probably would have no friends because i would be too lazy to correspond with them.
i was never one for writing longhand. my handwriting is unreadable and i often forgot where i put my "journals". that is why i prefer keeping online journals, typing is faster. but i doodle and write small phrases every now and then. it keeps my hand familiar with the feel of a pen in it. hehe.
i lost my other fountain pen. it was the one my mom gave me. can't remember where i last saw it. and the one my dad bought me is too heavy. i don't want to bring it to school all the time. so as i was writing case digests with an ordinary pen someone gave me, i realized i need a new one. something light and easy to write with. preferably somewhat special. nothing fancy. just something out of the ordinary. :)

different.

2010-12-03T08:51:00.000-08:00

today I did something spontaneous
nothing wild or anything
just simply out of the normal routine
I guess I needed that...
some light movie and friends to laugh with
pretending for some moments that I have
nowhere else to be, nothing much to do
I needed that...
----------------------------

i dont like watching tagalog movies
they are often poorly constructed and mushy and boring
but i like toni's films
they always make me laugh and think
i loved this (amnesia girl) movie
because it made me laugh and think
and it made me see
what really constitutes a sorry

------------------------------

i wanted to believe in forever too
i wanted to be that eternally hopeful and optimistic individual
who believes in fairy tales and romance
and in a happily ever after to every love story
i wanted to be able to trust again
i wanted to believe that somewhere out there
someone like Apollo and Irene exists

-----------------------------

i wish i can offer myself whole to you
sometimes it saddens me that i can't be who i used to be
that what you have to make do of is this broken, complicated
disillusioned version of me
granted i had always been complicated and maybe disillusioned
but i was not broken
at least not to the extent that i am now
maybe you would have dealt better with that version of me

but then I second guess myself again
and think that maybe this version of me
is not all that bad
and that we were fated to meet
at this time in our lives because this is the right time for us
I don't know if what I used to be is better than who I am now
but what I do know is that
I am not that person anymore
I may be complicated, disillusioned and broken
but now I am also more than willing to fix myself and try
---------------------------------------

and they are just memories now
vivid and brilliant at times
almost real in fact
but they are exactly that
just vivid and brilliant reminders of what was
almost real but not quite

flashes.

2010-12-02T16:15:00.000-08:00

phone on vibrate
your name flashing on the screen
once, twice, thrice
and the count goes on

me on reverse
pictures flashing on every turn
once, twice, thrice
and the count goes on

you on rewind
scintillating words in every beat
once, twice, thrice
and the count goes on

us on memory lane
memories scintillating every pause
once, twice, thrice
and the count goes on
-rich-

the perfect timing.

2010-12-01T17:54:00.000-08:00

is there really such a thing?
or is it just a social construct, much like
society's belief in forever?

existence and memories.

2010-12-01T08:59:00.000-08:00

we theorized that personality and characteristics aside
there is something lodged in our inner selves
the core of our humanity, the essence
of our existence
we said that if we peel every layer of our being
there would remain something that would determine
who we really are
that something that would not change
no matter what happens
or how many personality changes we make
it is the core of who we are as a person
--------------------------------------------------------
I was feeling so nostalgic so I logged on to an old friendster account
and read all the comments about me and the messages in my inbox.
I can't help but smile at the things people say about my young self
but I also can't help but notice how weird it is that even the new
people in my life say the same things about me.
Granted I am not as "makulit" as I used to, nor am I as
patient or as understanding but I am certain I am still
a good listener and I still try my best to make people smile.
I can't help but wonder then if I am only playing a role or
if it is who I really am...

But this "about me" that I wrote a few years back
is still true
so maybe there really is something inside us
that doesn't change...

simple lang akong tao
kuntento na ko sa mga tawag at text messages mo
hindi mo kailangan maging galante at mapagpanggap
sa akin maari kang maging totoo

simple lang akong tao
tama na sakin ang mga ginagawa mo
hindi mo kailangan ipakita na iba ka sa kanila
sa akin importante lang ang laman ng puso mo

simple lang akong tao
at oo alam kong nakakatawa na ito
gusto ko lang malaman mo
na totoo ang mga sinabi ko

simple lang akong tao
tandaan mo
AKO SI LIZBETH
at
wag mo kalimutan
SIMPLE LANG AKONG TAO

carefree.

2010-11-29T07:48:00.000-08:00

When i was in hs, i was clueless, i had no prior experience, i just had a present. I could feel what i wanted to feel. I could be selfsh. I could stop caring about the world and focus on my relationshp. it was much less complicated back then. Heck, it was simple. I didnt have to use my mind. I used my heart and i felt.
---S

------------------------------------------------------

one of the few things that I regret in my life
is that I never get to be young and carefree
I had always been an old-soul, a world weary worrier

sometimes I wish things could really be that simple
sometimes I wish that I could just learn to let go
and stop thinking about anything at all
sometimes I wish I am not me

spectacles.

2010-11-24T17:55:00.000-08:00

wearing faux spectacles to school is like admitting to your crush your feelings for him: you view the world differently but it still is the same world---Ariel Diccion

"venez comme vous etes"

tributuum.

2010-11-23T08:55:00.000-08:00

The day before you left was the day I first stepped foot on your station.
I never played the same songs again because I was afraid to be reminded of you.

Seeing you at the passenger seat of my car made me wistful for the
years you could have spent sitting there.
I almost cried when you looked into my eyes and told me you were happy.

I wasn't able to eat the spicy chicken strips that you ordered because I had
a hard time believing what I was hearing.
And I went to the comfort room not because I was happy but because
I had to splash myself with water so I could calm myself down.

I am embarrassed to admit that I had learned to forget all the little details
in the life we once shared.
And I am sad that you forgot to greet me on many of my previous birthdays.

But I am happy you helped me heal.
And that you stayed true to your promise.
It was more than I ever expected from you.

right words.

2010-11-23T07:46:00.000-08:00

It was during the routine NSTP sharing time
that I realized that words can really be that powerful.
And it was also during that day that I decided that
I would not go back to teaching innocent kids unless I can
be totally honest.
It was when I knew the difference between saying
the right things because it is right and saying the
right things because it is the right thing to say at
that moment.
I knew then that I would be hypocritical if I say
something only because that is what the moment
needs and not because it is the right thing to say.

sunny spotless mornings.

2010-11-22T18:37:00.000-08:00

I woke up today and discovered that the rays of the sun can reach my bed even with the curtains down.
I look outside my window and saw the sun shining brightly.
I saw yellow all over.
It was a good sight.
A good dose of sunshine.
And of warmth.
A very welcome view.
Especially after the cold of the rain
and the chill of the night.
I love mornings.
More if they are sunny spotless mornings.

.~iris~.

2010-11-21T22:58:00.000-08:00

and I don't want the world to see me apparently
cause I don't think that they'd understand I
When everything's made to be broken still
I just want you to know who I am do
-Iris by Goo Goo Dolls-

----------------------------------------

what is fair?

2010-11-18T18:22:00.000-08:00

Equity Demands Worker's Share

No society can surely be flourishing and happy, of which the far greater part of the members are poor and miserable. It is but equity, besides, that they who feed, clothe, and lodge the whole body of the people, should have such a share of the produce of their own labour as to be themselves tolerably well fed, clothed, and lodged.

-Adam Smith-

---------------------------------------
In a world where imbalance is the norm, the least we can do is be fair with our dealings with each other. There is already so much inequality in the world, so why wish to add to that?

morning traffic and walks in tree-lined nostalgic places.

2010-11-17T19:57:00.000-08:00

i miss driving.
i miss cruising through traffic free roads at 10am
i miss smelling fresh air and brick-lined pathways
i miss seeing the trees and watching people play football
i miss graveled parking spaces and hearing shouts of laughter
i miss orange colored buildings and the ringing of ordinary class bells
i miss young professors and school newspapers that are actually worth reading
auch verfehlten Sie mich schätzen, die, dass i und gefülltes Behältergas mein
sind,an benutztes i-Stationgas dieses nahe mcdo am Lied unser gehörtes i gelangen
---------------------------
How's that for reminiscing?
Hahaha! :))

reversing things twice

2010-11-14T08:07:00.000-08:00

i sometimes wonder why i let this happen to me

the same thing over and over

the foolish wishes, hopes and dreams

all romantic delusions

i somehow thought it would be over

convince myself first loser is not my perpetual place

thinking that it is better this way

i think in reverse sometimes

Hoping it will change things

-------------------------------------

written while taking a break from working on that case
p.s i also sometimes wonder what i haven't learned yet that it has to occur over and over

resolution.

2010-11-14T04:09:00.000-08:00

apology is not enough without resolution
--Atty. Cabaneiro

so say sorry and move on

volenti non fit injuria

2010-11-11T17:57:00.000-08:00

so there I was writing legal memorandums
wracking my brain for good arguments
when all of a sudden butterfly kisses played
on my sister's laptop
and then I just started crying like a baby
which is not really good since I pulled an
all-nighter last night and I have eyebags
the size of a coin already
so now my eyes are not only puffy
they are also so chinky
I looked like an ugly korean actress

i am blaming this on pms and hormones
and senti songs

so yes i do miss my dad
writing pleadings for a case would have been very
easy with him there guiding me
I wouldn't have to spend this much time
doing memorandums because I could just ask him
anything I couldn't understand
Finding arguments wouldn't be a chore because
I could discuss my cases with him and we
would argue till sunrise

but oh well i am no innocent person
i participated willingly in this cold war with dad
so I suppose I just have to live with the consequences

fictional words:

2010-11-09T07:47:00.000-08:00

sometimes something triggers that hidden feeling
knocks on the doors or mere hellos
sweet candies or loud songs in fast automobiles
coffee in wet streets and spotless white shoes
even clouds in the rain and starless nights under dirty roofs
and then there's just you...
you and all your triggers

dahil nagulat ako

2010-11-07T16:56:00.000-08:00

eh ano un??? bkt may ganun?

ndi ko tuloy alam kung matutuwa ako or malulungkot
bkt kelangan may mga ganung surpresa?
nakakaloka lang
napatitig nalang ako eh sabay sabi "huh?"
galing lang tlga ng timing
palagi nmn eh
oo cge na ikaw na magaling tumiming
nakikita ko pa tlga ung face mo eh
cgurado may ganito pa ";p"
t*ng*na lang!
ok na eh, maayos na
asar lang
kilala mo pa din ako
at oo kht papano kilala pa din kta
wtf lng dba?
as in wtf?!

train stations

2010-11-07T04:45:00.000-08:00

I just realized that I associate the people I've been romantically involved with
to various train stations.
It is kinda weird but not that weird. I mean other people also associate past
loves and special someone to things (eg. songs, food)
I just happen to have a more odd choice
for association. ;p

and I also realized how apt it is that if it represent a past,
I rarely go there if at all...

amazing also how representative of the transient nature of my love affairs
you see, my love life was and still is unstable
it had always lacked the constancy needed for stability
much like the fast comings and goings of different trains at
the train stations

there just another epiphany
:)

row row row your boat gently down stream...

2010-11-04T19:00:00.000-07:00

taking things slowly
so as not to disrupt the flow
and create untimely ripples
that would destroy the calm

yesterday brought a whole new perspective
something that surprised me to a certain extent
it wasn't about rushing or saying things to quickly
nor was it anymore about broken promises and daydreams
it was just about hanging out, telling secrets and commitment
talking helps I suppose and constant talking really do the trick

ahhh the wisdom of a good rest and sharing
happy morning everyone!

p.s after this my blog posts would probably be short again and rare
hell sem starts tom..wish me luck!

while waiting...

2010-11-03T18:30:00.000-07:00

it is already 10am in my clock and still no word from my friends...
I hate waiting. It is one of my pet peeves. People don't make me wait
this long because I'd be totally uncommunicative the whole day and
that is not a good thing. Hahaha!

and so to keep my temper in check, I decided I'd blog instead
and write whatever comes into mind
and let the world make sense of my fragmented ramblings

“It must be good,” she said so quietly that he almost did not hear the words, “to be loved that dearly.”

yeah, it is so easy to feel envious, to feel anger and to feel bitter
and much more easy to succumb to hate
but the morning is always brighter--which is why I love mornings
and then that is when I realize
that easy is not always right
and that I don't like easy
I've always loved challenges
so why opt for easy when you can have adventure?
and the truth is I really can't hate
not because I'm such a saint that all I am capable of is goodness
but only because I can feel pity
and because I can relate
and because I totally understand
I almost wept
Almost
things should have been different
and I shouldn't have been there
and it sucks because now I am there and
I can't do what I always do
and if I can make everyone happy
I'll do almost anything
but I can't
because I don't know how to make
everyone happy
not even myself
and that is just plain sad isn't?

what is more is that I am a sucker for romance
I love happy endings
and if I can make every love story end in a happy note
I'll do it
I want happy endings
for everyone
even at the cost of my own sometimes
and that is just plain "martyr-ish" isn't?

I want to be your last first kiss that you'll ever have
I want to be your last first kiss

I was browsing through my twitter posts and I saw a tweet
from way back when I was super emo
this is it:
waiting for that day when I would be the first pick, first choice, first everything
you see I never get chosen
I always end up seeing them leave
recurrent huh?
but well it happens
must have to relearn something
probably not learned all I have to learn about that
it is kinda tiring isn't?

“It must be good,” she said so quietly that he almost did not hear the words, “to be loved that dearly.”

My time will come I suppose
Gotta be optimistic
but guarded too
the heart does not break just once after all
as I very well knew

ooooohhhh I miss blogging this long
:P

------------------------------

2010-11-03T09:08:00.000-07:00

that was what it felt like

like some bipartite being feeling the duality of everything
even in the extremes

wtf

i had forgotten it can be like this; that it can hurt like this

my fragmented thoughts on this.

2010-11-02T09:53:00.000-07:00

"....then did I ever stop loving him the way you're supposed to stop loving

everyone but the one you're with?"
--LOVE THE ONE YOU'RE WITH by Emily Griffin

I have always believed that when we fall in love we give part of ourselves to that person we love.
It is what we do when we love, we share ourselves so we can be part of a different whole.
That belief of mine led me to another belief--that when we love someone, we would always
have feelings for that person. The feelings never go away, they might change into something
else or be hidden into oblivion but they would always be just there, ready to resurface at a
slight trigger.

So I suppose we would always be polygamous in that way. I guess we would always be
loving other people aside from the one we're with.

But the difference between the one we're with and the other people we used to love that we
have now established that we still love is that we choose to be with the one we're with.
What sets them apart from the rest is that we made a choice to stay with them.
What matters is not the degree or depth of feelings we have but the choices that we make
because as with everything in life, love is all about making choices.

embracing changes.

2010-10-31T06:05:00.000-07:00

I look up at the sky today and for the first time I didn't wish it was blue.
For the first time in many months I just hoped it would be pretty.

There are undoubtedly events in our lives that we didn't expect,
sometimes even unwelcome but we can't do anything about it
so we roll with the waves and go with the flow.
I was never one for changes, even viciously
hated it at one point but people grow up
and well I suppose I grew up too.
So it didn't matter now that the
sky was pink. I felt no pinch
there. Not even a tiny one.

I look up at the evening sky today and for the first time I didn't wish it would be clear.
For the first time in many months I just wished it would be beautiful.

There are moments in our lives where there are pauses that are filled with
silence. As if the lulls in conversations we have with people are the norm
rather than the rarity. There are days, weeks, months, even years of
unfulfilled, empty existence and we sometimes try to do something
about it but I suppose our lives are really doomed to have them.
I used to loved the silence, cherished the emptiness except that
I was really just dispelling my loneliness. I was just lying.
I knew that now. So it didn't matter that the sky is dark
as ink and there are no stars. I realized it is beautiful
with or without the stars or the moon. I felt no tug.
Not even a tiny one.

for the high seas that rocked my world.

2010-10-25T09:42:00.000-07:00

there are always many things in life to be grateful for
and this is one of them so without further ado
I want to say thank you
for listening
for sharing
for loving
and simply
for existing

:)

when im bored.

2010-10-21T04:04:00.000-07:00

I remembered the day we really met.
I remembered looking at that twisted little thing you dangled in front of me.
There I was staring at the unfathomable thing and thinking to myself how pitiful that it was so dilapidated because you said it was once so pretty.

I remembered telling you that I like fixing broken things.
I remembered you smiling that knowing smile I had now come to know so well.
There I was accepting an unspoken challenge and thinking to myself how weird it is that I understand you so easily.

I remembered every little detail.
I remembered the way I hoped it would look pretty again.
There I was working so damn hard and saying to myself every time I feel like giving up that I promised I would do my very best to make it look the way it once was.

I remembered every single thing.
I remembered the way you say "shhh" every time I cried and tried.
There I was trying with all my might to make it work and fooling myself into thinking that you care even if all the while you say it is nigh impossible to do.

I remembered the day we really really really met.
I remembered looking at you and staring at that twisted little thing you dangled in front of me.
There I was staring at your still dilapidated heart, more twisted and scarred than I imagined it to be and knowing that I failed and knowing that I made it more so.

let go too quickly or hold on too much

2010-10-20T05:53:00.000-07:00

wouldn't it be better if I can just strike the balance and not be one of either?
life would be so much simpler

they say that the problem with me is that I let go too quickly, too often, too much.
but I say that I hold on far longer, more often, much too slow than necessary.
they just didn't know about it because they let me push them away.

the little thoughts in my head.

2010-10-13T08:31:00.000-07:00

11pm sleepiness
there I was staring at the ceiling and thinking of scripted moments with
the monotonous buzzing of the distant fan as background
all droopy eyes and heavy lids
when the casual cruelty of it hit me like the dreaded lightning in a thunderstorm
that and everything I've previously contemplated suddenly
made me stop wondering whether to make a jump a leap
or to make the simple hi turn to an elaborate hello
because that was when I knew of the simplicity of it all
I just cannot fight a memory

2am grogginess
it used to be little light bulb moments but now they call it a different name
perhaps the almost religious enlightenment or the weird anagnorisis
or maybe just the simple clicking of the missing pieces
again it was surprising and uncalled for
but maybe not unwelcome
it will remain then
perhaps forever

4am wakefulness
I cannot blame it on the dreams really
because I don't have them or if I do I probably just don't remember them
nightmares are out of the picture
I wonder then what is?
both worlds assume importance I can see
generosity notwithstanding
I wish it could have been different
more like that and less like this
perhaps then it would be more interesting
and the choices are not alternatives
but I really can't walk away

6am nonsense
so here I am typing in front of my laptop
musing things through, pretending to read cases
but muddling it all up in my head
the buzz of the fun is still monotonous and steady
my eyes still droopy and my lids are still heavy
but I need to sleep now
I guess I'll just live the moment and hope that history does not repeat itself

P.S
my stomach is still hurting, the friggin gastritis acting up again
must be why I keep waking up damnable intervals
ggggeeeeezzzzzzz

reminders.

2010-10-11T22:43:00.000-07:00

I saw your car today, the old white hi-ace with paint chipping off the sides, and I realized I only really have one good memory of you.

You asked me if we could walk to the train station together. It was beginning to rain. You were the boy who didn’t take off his headphones and I was the girl who wore too many bracelets and we had nothing to talk about (not the weather, no) so we talked about Physics. I nodded as you explained the nature of gravity and you must have thought I was dumb. We quickened our pace, our Physics textbooks jumping in our bags.

You took out your umbrella midway. We huddled close and almost ran, and you made me take the only empty seat in the train. Your stop was ahead and I still had two stations to go so I waved a casual bye, took out the textbook, and you walked out. But then you came running back into the train, your shadow falling over a page, and you handed me your umbrella.

I do not know where those four years went. When I think of college I don’t think of you. One day, I left your umbrella some place and didn’t notice I no longer had it.

---from http://wordswidenight.tumblr.com

I posted this just because it mentioned train stations, umbrella, rain, headphones, bracelets, and college in one post.
All the things that once we were a part of

The Rescue.

2010-10-10T02:16:00.000-07:00

So I had recently finished reading a book by Nicholas Sparks and since Banking Laws don't interest me at the moment I decided to type my favorite parts of the book.

All the years of wondering exactly what that meant, all the years of loneliness, had led to this place, this here and now. He reached out and took her hand, feeling the softness of her skin as a well of tenderness rose within him.

You know how you are in things like this. Remember Valerie? Remember Lori? If you don't, I do. You go out with 'em, you pour on the charm, you spend all your time with them, you get them to fall in love with you...and then wham--end it.

But as idyllic as everything seemed, there were moments in which Denise sensed an undercurrent of restlessness in Taylor she couldn't exactly pin down. As he had during their first night together, Taylor would sometimes get that unreadable, almost distant look after they made love. He would hold her and caress her as usual, but she could sense something in him that made her vaguely uncomfortable, something dark and unknowable that made him seem older and more tired than Denise had ever felt.

On the surface, everything seemed the same. All that had really changed was a suddenly intense devotion to work, which he'd already explained. Yet...

She hated waiting for the phone to ring.
It wasn't like her to be this way;the experience a new one.
*******Not that she stopped living her life, as her roommate had done. She had too many responsibilities for that. But it didn't stop her from racing to the phone every time it rang and feeling disappointed every time it wasn't Taylor. The whole thing made her feel helpless, a sensation she detested. She wasn't nor had she ever been, the helpless type, and she refused to become that now.

I've just been thinking that we've been seeing each other for a few months now, but sometimes I don't know where you stand on all this. I mean this last couple of weeks...I don't know...sometimes it feels like you're pulling away. You've been working such long hours that we haven't had much time together, and then we you didn't call...
She trailed off, leaving the rest unspoken, knowing she'd already said these things before. She felt his body stiffen just a little as she heard his answer coming out in a hoarse whisper.

I've already explained that.
Yes, you did---you explained each and every situation. But don't you see the pattern?
He turned toward the clock on the wall, staring at it, stubbornly avoiding her question.
Denise ran her hand through her hair. "But more than that, you don't talk to me anymore. And I'm beginning to wonder if you ever really did."

Sure you are. You're trying to get in my head so you can try to fix what's wrong. But nothing's wrong Denise, at least not with me. I am who I am, and if you can't handle it, maybe you shouldn't try.

I'm not blind to what's been happening to us these last few weeks. You're pulling away from me---from both of us---no matter how much you try to deny it. It's obvious, Taylor. What I don't understand is why you're doing it.
I've been busy at work, Taylor began halfheartedly.
That may be true, but it's not the whole truth.
Denise took a deep breath, willing her voice not to break.
I know you're holding something back, and if you can't, or don't, want to talk about it, there's not much I can do. But whatever it is, it's driving you away.

I don't want to lose you.
His voice almost a whisper.
Seeing his haggard expression, she took his hand and squeezed it, then reluctantly let it go. She could feel the tears again, and she fought them back.
But you don't want to keep me either, do you?
To that he had no response.

Why? Do you want to rescue me too, Taylor?***********
Oh Taylor, it's the same thing. She hesitated, her expression at once knowing and sad.
It's what you've been doing your whole life. You sense that someone needs help, and if you can, you give her exactly what she needs. And now, you're turning your sights on us.
I'm not turning my sights on you.
Yes you are. It's what you did with Valerie after her boyfriend left her, it's what you did with Lori when she felt so alone. It's what you did with Denise when you found out how hard her life was. Think of all the things you did for her, right from the very beginning.

You feel the need to make things better, Taylor. You always have. You may not believe it, but everything in your life proves that over and over. Even your jobs. As a contractor, you fix things that are broken. As a fireman, you save people. Mitch never understood that about you, but to me, it was obvious. It's who you are.

When you hit bad patches your life, you don't turn to me, you don't turn to friends. You come here. No matter what the question or the problem, you always come to the decision that you're better off alone, just like now.
**************** Can't you see why that hurts me? I can't help but think how sad it must be for you to live your life without people---people who could offer you support or simply lend an ear when you need it. And it's all because of me.

Loving someone and having them love you back is the most precious thing in the world. It's what made it possible for me to go on, but you don't seem to realize that. Even when love is right there in front of you, you choose to turn away from it. You're alone because you want to be.

And because of that, you've shut yourself off from the world. I don't know why...maybe you don't think you deserve to be happy, maybe you're afraid that if you finally allow yourself to love someone, you'd be admitting that you weren't responsible...maybe you're afraid of leaving your own family behind. I don't know what it is, but all those things are wrong. I can't think of another way to tell you.

simply stated.

2010-10-09T10:26:00.000-07:00

"This is a good sign, having a broken heart. It means we have tried for something. "
--Elizabeth Gilbert (eat.pray.love)

COULD being the operative word.

2010-10-08T17:46:00.000-07:00

IT MATTERS NOT

we could say a thousand things of superficial importance
hurl subtle hints of affection
we could pray for miracles of undeterred significance
hurdle theories of perfection
but you know that I know
that it matters not

What matters is the end of it
the beginning of a wished for life

we could hear many unspoken declarations
influence moments of perseverance
we could fear unsupported inspirations
instill beliefs of endurance
but I know that you know
that it matters not

What matters is the life of it
the end of what we knew we shared

-rich-

the speech that made me remember the days of struggling.

2010-10-08T17:45:00.000-07:00

This speech was delivered by a La Sallian engineer in one of the graduation ceremonies at the UP College of Engineering.

Ngayong araw na ito, sa ating pagtatapos, mayroon akong dalang Transcript of Record. Ang estudyanteng may-ari ng transcript na ito ay nag-aral sa De La Salle University. Sa unibersidad na ito, kapag ikaw ay isang undergraduate, may ID number ka na nagsisimula sa “94” at pataas, kung lumipas ang isang buong school year at umabot ka sa 15 units na bagsak, masisipa ka sa paaralan.

Ang transcript na hawak ko ay mayroong 27 units ng bagsak. 12 sa mga ito ay tinamo ng estudyante sa iisang schoolyear lang. Ang isang subject ay kadalasang may bigat na 3 units. Kung iisiping mabuti, isang subject na bagsak na lang ay pwede na masipa ang estudyanteng may-ari ng transcript na ito.

Ang speech na ito ay hindi ko ginawa para i-acknowledge ang paghihirap ng ating mga magulang sa pagpapaaral satin. Hindi ko din ito ginawa para maghayag ng political statement, o kumbinsihin kayo na huwag umalis sa bansa at tulungan itong makaahon. Ang speech na ito ay para sa mga normal na estudyante na kagaya ng may may-ari ng transcript na hawak ko, dahil madalas, wala talagang pakialam ang unibersidad sa mga achievements nila. May mga awards na gaya ng “Summa Cum Laude”, “Best Thesis Award” at “Leadership Award.” Pero ni minsan, hindi pa ako nakakakita ng unibersidad na nagbigay ng “Hang-on and managed to graduate despite nearly getting kicked-out during his academic stay” award.

Maaaring isang malaking kagaguhan ang konseptong ito para sa karamihan. Bakit mo pararangalan ang isang estudyanteng bulakbol, bobo, tamad o iresponsable? Hindi ba dapat isuka ito ng unibersidad? Ito yung mga tipo ng estudyanteng walang ia-asenso sa buhay, hindi ba?

Ayun. Natumbok niyo.Iyun na nga ang dahilan.

Madalas, pag ang isang estudyante ay may pangit na marka sa paaralan, lalong lalo na sa kolehiyo, nakakapanghina ito ng loob. Nandiyan yung tatamarin ka mag-aral, nandyan yung iisipin mo “Ano pa kayang trabaho ang makukuha ko? Call center na naman o clerical? Ba’t kasi ang bobo ko. Kung matalino lang ako, sana, sa Proctor and Gamble ako, o kung saang sikat na kumpanya.”

Mas mahirap ang dinadaanan ng mga estudyanteng bumabagsak. Kahit na sabihin mong kasalanan nilang bumabagsak sila, hindi ninyo alam kung ano ang pakiramdam ng ganun. Madaling sabihin na “Kaya mo yan, mag-aral ka lang,” pero alam ba natin talaga ang sinasabi natin?

Kapag ang isang estudyante ay bumabagsak sa unibersidad, nandiyan yung tatawanan niya lang yan. O di kaya naman, ipagmamalaki niya pang “TAKE 5 NA KO!!!” o “Pare, magpi-PhD na ako sa Anmath3/Calculus/etc.” Pero hindi alam ng mga isang Summa Cum Laude kung ano ang nasa isip ng isang normal na estudyante sa tuwing matutulog ito at alam niyang pag-gising niya, kailangan niya na namang ulitin ang isang subject na nakuha niya na sa susunod na term.

Kahit kalian, hindi naging problema sa “Star Student” na sabihing “Nay, bagsak ako.” at hindi kailanman sumagi sa isip nila na “Paano kaya kung sa walang-pangalang kumpanya lang ako makapagtrabaho?” Dahil sigurado sila sa kinabukasan nila.

Huwag na tayong maglokohan. Grades are everything.Kahit bali-baligtarin mo iyan, hindi magiging patas ang mga kumpanyang kumukuha ng fresh graduates para magtrabaho sa kanila. Minsan din naman, nadadaan sa palakasan, pero ganun pa din. Kung hindi ka academically good, wala kang patutunguhan. Kung hindi man yun, mas mahirap yung dadaanan mo para lang makaabot sa prestihiyosong posisyon.

Kaya ngayong graduation, ang speech na ito ay inaaalay ko para sa mga estudyanteng lumagpak, muntik-muntikan nang masipa o yung sa lahat ng paraang pwede, ginawa na para lang makatapos. Gagawin kong patas ang mundo para sa inyo kahit isang araw lang. Kahit ano pa ang sabihin ng ibang tao, kesyo kasalanan mo man na pangit ang marka mo o muntik ka nang makick-out, saludo ako sa hindi mo pagtigil sa pag-aaral. Saludo ako na may lakas ka ng loob na harapin pa rin ang mundo kahit alam mong hindi ito magiging patas sa iyo.Saludo ako na kahit pangit ang transcript mo, taas noo ka pa rin ngayong graduation at proud na proud sa sarili mo.

Ano ngayon ang mangyayari sa mga graduates pagkatapos nitong graduation? Ayoko nang puntahan yung pwedeng mangyayari sa mga Cum Laude. Baduy. Alam mo namang may patutunguhan ang buhay nila e. Pero dun sa mga lumagpak, ano ang meron?

Maaring makakuha kayo ng mediocre na trabaho lang. Pwede ka rin swertehin, baka makapagtrabaho ka sa magandang kumpanya. Madami pang pwedeng mangyari. Huwag kayong mawalan ng pag-asa. Kung nung college, nagtiyaga kayo e ba’t titigilan niyo yung pagti-tiyaga ngayon?

Pwede ring ganito: Mag-aral ka ulit. Ipakita mo sa kanila na kung sisipagin ka lang, malayo ang mararating mo. Subukan mong patunayan sa kanila na kapag pinilit mo, kaya mo ring abutin yung naabot nila. Na hindi ka bobo, kundi tinamad ka lang.

Baka sabihin ninyo, drowing lang ako.

I’ve been on both sides. Naranasan ko na ring lumagpak, at muntikan na din akong masipa. Naranasan ko na ang umulit ng 4 na beses sa iisang subject. Naranasan ko na ang masumbatan ng magulang, kapatid at kung sino-sino pang propesor na walang pakialam sa pakiramdam ng estuyante. Naranasan ko nang hindi makatulog ng maraming gabi sa pagiisip kung paano ko na naman sasabihin sa magulang ko na may bagsak na naman ako. Kaya alam ko ang pakiramdam ninyo.

Akin ang transcript na ito.

Pagkagraduate ko ng college, ano ang ginawa ko? Eto.Nagtrabaho muna ng konti, tapos aral ulit. Kuha ng Masteral sa kurso ko. Hindi para sa trabaho o kung ano man. Kundi para patunayan sa sarili ko na noong mga panahong bumabagsak ako, tinatamad lang ako.

This is a rebellion. I raise my middle finger to every professor, over-achiever, naysayer and detractor THAT TOLD ME THAT I CAN'T MAKE IT. I raise my middle finger to every valedictory or graduation speech that only gratifies the university, those who were achievers in school or those who gratify the country when it’s supposed to be the graduate’s moment of glory. You are supposed to acknowledge EVERYONE. Even those who failed many times.

Kaya sa inyong mga graduates na medyo hindi maganda ang marka, para sa inyo ito. Kung kinaya ko ito, kaya niyo rin to. Imposibleng hindi.

for the saints who have martyr tendencies and noble intentions.

2010-10-06T22:37:00.000-07:00

yesterday.

2010-10-05T21:01:00.000-07:00

fate.
There are a lot of people who believe that things don't just happen randomly. That there are no such things as happenstance or coincidence. That events in life must have occurred for a reason.
I was never among those who criticized the firm believers but I was also never among those who staunchly believed in it. I have always been neutral. Agreeing when I find it appropriate and disagreeing when I do not find it fitting.
But yesterday I witnessed a day when fate manifested its playful self.
It was all a matter of timing actually and maybe just a dash of self-indulgence.
If we had taken the stairs or the elevator instead of going down the very long escalator we wouldn't have been at the same time and place.
But like I said, fate is playful and surprising so it had to be the same time and place.
My friend said it was kind of funny and I must admit it was a bit hilarious but I was too preoccupied of what everything means I can't just laugh it off.
So here I am now surrounded by legal cases and law books, writing these thoughts on fate and contemplating nothing of legal significance.
Thinking "why the heck did that happen"?
The thing is it wasn't even my situation to contemplate. I wasn't the one totally affected because of the meeting. I was almost just a bystander. But yeah fate used me as some sort of pawn.
But what bothers me is why I was there to witness it in the first place
Is fate also trying to tell me something?
That I should believe in it because its real?
That maybe it is also time that I face my ghosts?
well whatever
I can't figure it out now
maybe someday I will...

spider webs.

2010-10-03T23:45:00.000-07:00

silk-like strands that framed dusty ceilings and forgotten corners
fragile gossamer strings that keep reforming
annoying little things that stick
and make you cringe

funny anecdotes.

2010-10-02T01:21:00.000-07:00

How would you make a technical description of San Beda College?

ANSWER: A parcel of land in the district of San Miguel, City of Manila. Bounded on the North by Legarda Street; on the South by Malacañang Palace; on the West by Centro Escolar University; and on the East by the Property of Mang Acong, with an area of such and such....

- Prof. Ciriaco Cruz, LTD Lecture Jokes

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is the Day Book in the Office of the Register of Deeds called as such?

ANSWER: Because you can not use it at night!
- Prof. Ciriaco Cruz, LTD Lecture Jokes

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What if you lose your certificate of title, what procedure should you follow?

ANSWER: Go by the roadside and cry!
- Prof. Ciriaco Cruz, LTD Lecture Jokes
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

What if you are the only heir to a parcel of land, where do you go to pay the necessary estate and inheritance taxes to be able to legally claim ownership over the parcel of land?

CLUE: What happens to a woman if she grows old?

ANSWER: B.I.R. (Babaeng Iniwanan ng Regla)
...
- Prof. Ciriaco Cruz, LTD Lecture
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

An Original Certificate of Title retains its nature until the owner of a parcel of land dies and/or transfers the ownership of the same to another through sale, mortgage, inheritance and the like.
Moral Lesson: If you do not want your original title to change into a Transfer Certificate of Title... DO NOT DIE!
- Prof. Ciriaco Cruz, Land Titles and Deeds Lecture

dahil umaga na at hindi pa din ako inaantok.

2010-09-29T09:58:00.000-07:00

bakit kaya yung iba gusto nila palagi sinasabi "akin ka diba?"?
para bang hindi nila kayang mabuhay na walang inaangkin
magmamahal kunwari pero sa totoo lang gusto lang magkaroon ng pag-aari
ginagawang bagay ang pag-ibig
kinakalimutan na ang tunay na nagmamahal ay hindi sakim
kundi mapagparaya
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

para sa hinihingian:
alam kong may mas hihigit pa.
darating ang araw na magiging masaya ka.
makakalimutan ang mga panahong nagmimistulang troso kang palutang-lutang
at walang tiyak na patutunguhan.
may susulpot sa buhay mo na tiyak mong ikatutuwa.
mamahalin mo siya't matutupad ang lahat ng pinapangarap mo.
pero sa ngayon, wala pa naman siya.
maari bang habang nagaantay ka
maging iyo muna ako kahit sandali?
galing sa humihingi
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
ganyan dapat
ganyan ang tama

one-liners.

2010-09-29T06:03:00.000-07:00

The phrase I miss you is one word short of what I really wanted to say and what you needed to hear but for now that's all I can give you.

bombing incident.

2010-09-26T09:02:00.000-07:00

we were having fun.
jumping around and chanting school songs like crazy.
taking pictures of our foolish looking selves and dodging liquid matter to avoid beer and coke stains on our clothes.
it was turning out to be a fun day.
and then suddenly out of nowhere there was this freaking blast.
everybody suddenly went berserk.
people were pushing us and there was shouting everywhere.
everything went by so fast and i just found myself holding my friends' hands and jumping barbed wires.
and all i can think of was that i had to take my friends away.
i didn't even think of helping the wounded, at least not after i was sure that my friends were all safe.
does that make me selfish?

Because I am a 20-something average underachiever...

2010-09-25T18:54:00.000-07:00

Here are the things really worth caring about in your 20s.

When you’re 25-ish, you’re old enough to know what kind of music you love, regardless of what your last boyfriend or roommate always used to play. You know how to walk in heels, how to tie a necktie, how to give a good toast at a wedding and how to make something for dinner. You don’t have to think much about skin care, home ownership or your retirement plan. Your life can look a lot of different ways when you’re 25: single, dating, engaged, married. You are working in dream jobs, pay-the-bills jobs and downright horrible jobs. You are young enough to believe that anything is possible, and you are old enough to make that belief a reality.

Job

Now is the time to figure out what kind of work you love to do. What are you good at? What makes you feel alive? What do you dream about? You can go back to school now, switch directions entirely. You can work for almost nothing, or live in another country, or volunteer long hours for something that moves you. There will be a time when finances and schedules make this a little trickier, so do it now. Try it, apply for it, get up and do it.

When I was 25, I was in my third job in as many years—all in the same area at a church, but the responsibilities were different each time. I was frustrated at the end of the third year because I didn’t know exactly what I wanted to do next. I didn’t feel like I’d found my place yet. I met with my boss, who was in his 50s. I told him how anxious I was about finding the one perfect job for me, and quick. He asked me how old I was, and when I told him I was 25, he told me that I couldn’t complain to him about finding the right job until I was 32. In his opinion, it takes about 10 years after college to find the right fit, and anyone who finds it earlier than that is just plain lucky. So use every bit of your 10 years: try things, take classes, start over.

Relationships

Now is also the time to get serious about relationships. And “serious” might mean walking away from the ones that don’t give you everything you need. Some of the most life-shaping decisions you make in this season will be about walking away from good-enough, in search of can’t-live-without. One of the only truly devastating mistakes you can make in this season is staying with the wrong person even though you know he or she is the wrong person. It’s not fair to that person, and it’s not fair to you.

Counseling

Twenty-five is also a great time to start counseling, if you haven’t already, and it might be a good round two of counseling if it’s been a while. You might have just enough space from your parents to start digging around your childhood a little bit. Unravel the knots that keep you from living a healthy whole life, and do it now, before any more time passes.

Church

Twenty-five is the perfect time to get involved in a church you love, no matter how different it is from the one you were a part of growing up. Be patient and prayerful, and decide that you’re going to be a person who grows, who seeks your own faith, who lives with intention. Set your alarm on Sunday mornings, no matter how late you were out on Saturday night. It will be dreadful at first, and then after a few weeks, you’ll find that you like it, that the pattern of it fills up something inside you.

Don't get stuck

This is the thing: when you start to hit 28 or 30, everything starts to divide, and you can see very clearly two kinds of people: on one side, people who have used their 20s to learn and grow, to find God and themselves and their deep dreams, people who know what works and what doesn’t, who have pushed through to become real live adults. And then there’s the other kind, who are hanging onto college, or high school even, with all their might. They’ve stayed in jobs they hate, because they’re too scared to get another one. They’ve stayed with men or women who are good but not great, because they don’t want to be lonely. They mean to find a church, they mean to develop honest, intimate friendships, they mean to stop drinking like life is one big frat party. But they don’t do those things, so they live in kind of an extended adolescence, no closer to adulthood than they were when they graduated college.

Don’t be like that. Don’t get stuck. Move, travel, take a class, take a risk. Walk away, try something new. There is a season for wildness and a season for settledness, and this is neither. This season is about becoming. Don’t lose yourself at happy hour, but don’t lose yourself on the corporate ladder either. Stop every once in a while and go out to coffee or climb in bed with your journal. Ask yourself some good questions like: “Am I proud of the life I’m living? What have I tried this month? What have I learned about God this year? What parts of my childhood faith am I leaving behind, and what parts am I choosing to keep with me for this leg of the journey? Do the people I’m spending time with give me life, or make me feel small? Is there any brokenness in my life that’s keeping me from moving forward?”

Now is your time. Become, believe, try. Walk closely with people you love, and with other people who believe that God is very good and life is a grand adventure. Don’t spend time with people who make you feel like less than you are. Don’t get stuck in the past, and don’t try to fast-forward yourself into a future you haven’t yet earned. Give today all the love and intensity and courage you can, and keep traveling honestly along life’s path.

remember this always.

2010-09-19T20:51:00.000-07:00

"With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy."
---from Desiderata by Max Ehrmann

on attachment and walking away.

2010-09-15T09:31:00.000-07:00

The original version:

Why aren't you scared too?
sometimes, but I get attached anyway..you see I know that people come and go because that is an uncontested fact but I decided to be attached because I also know that some people stay…I just put my faith on them knowing that it is really immaterial whether they leave or stay, either way, they became part of my life and I became part of theirs.

I put my faith on people because sometimes, some people are worth it.
-----------------------------------------------------------

Which is why I hate it when people walk away. I hate it when people leave without so much as a backward glance. I hate it when they hurriedly run away afraid to face a new reality. I hate it when they don't jump because they are uncertain of what will happen next. I hate it when they leave without even trying.
Yes, there are a lot of hate words in this particular paragraph but it really just riles me up knowing that a lot of people do these.
Walking away without trying should be made illegal.
I think we all deserve that backward glance that means a whole lot more than just a simple gesture, that hand to hold in the scary reality of an uncertain life ahead, that incredible second chance that is always better than the first...
Because if some people are really worth the stay then we all deserve a chance to fight and be fought for. Nobody should be allowed to walk away easily...

dragonflies.

2010-09-12T19:02:00.000-07:00

I had put dragonflies in the back of my mind, delegated them even in the folder called "childhood".
For me dragonflies are a thing of the past, representative only of good 'ol days.
But today as I look out my window I saw hundreds maybe even thousands of them flying about the place. And as they innocently fly about, I can't help but smile.
I take it as a good omen.
Maybe I'll have some good news soon.
I am well overdue for some of that.
Really need some good news in my life.
Desperately even.

mondays with sir acong :))

2010-09-08T03:23:00.000-07:00

during mondays I get to sit in a two-hour class listening to my professor repeat the words cadastral proceedings, original certificate of title and tax declaration etc a hundred times. And while I tried my best to stay awake and attentive the whole time, I still fail every time. So in order to alleviate my boredom and also in order to at least look attentive, I draw doodles on my notes or write emo phrases. Here they are:

Transcript:
I wonder if you think of me. I wonder if you miss me. I wonder always how you really feel about me. Am I friend, sister or lover? See this is what you do to me...you make me get all "emo"-ey..hahaha! :))

It amazes me that even if you are sad you still manage to make me smile. I'm about to say I love you but we both know that is not true so I'm just going to say thank you simply for being you.

What hurts more is that I know that I am indeed replaceable....

I get so sad sometimes
and I sometimes smile without apparent reason
They ask me who it was
that make me look insane
and that was when I realized
You never really left
You've been here all along
Haunting my mind with memories
and stalking my heart
with relived fantasies

Soldier's wife
Tell me you would stay
then I would jump for joy and say
I LOVE YOU
Tell me you wouldn't feign
then I would know that I didn't wait in vain
I MISS YOU

Pick me, choose me please?
I need you to believe that we can do this

What makes a heart flutter?
Is it a kiss, a touch, a glance or a simple hello?
You make my heart flutter
and it keeps on beating furiously
even if I try to calm it down

I'm sorry I am a mess
I'm sorry I can't take care of you
the way you expected me to
I'm sorry you kissed her because
you are not with me
I'm sorry you have to lie when
I asked
I'm sorry I have to break up with you--inspired by my classmate's story, I was eavesdropping kasi..hahaha!

100 % take it, its yours

2010-09-05T20:09:00.001-07:00

32 shots.

2010-08-31T09:07:00.000-07:00

tonight after so many years I again imbibed a surprisingly large amount of alcohol. after many years I have broken my promise with myself and drank alcohol after school. does that make me a liar, a traitor or simply a girl who wants to experience what it is like to taste alcohol again?
so underneath this sudden alcohol attack is the pretense of nonchalance that I maintain. what happens after this?
i must wait and see.
for now I'll sleep and wake up early for the morning exercise.
this is not the alcohol speaking mind you
this is a hundred percent
i am just weird this way.
anyway goodnight.
see you tom!

3am nonsense

2010-08-22T11:53:00.000-07:00

so I'm still wide awake
thinking of nothing in particular
reminiscing about nothing special
and doing nothing productive except
write in this blog
------------

coming up with a million excuses not to fall in love
is a bad idea because at the end of the day
the heart doesn't really listen to what the mind say
it is undeniably a fruitless effort

----------------

Shooting stars fall
And twinkling stars twinkle
I was neither
I cannot promise you perpetual light
The same way I cannot promise you
Eternal love
I only know
That I met you
And you met me
And fate decided
That I can be a shooting star after all
-----------------

so what is the truth here?
do I make you sad or do I make you happy?
I know I make you sad
but you say I make you happy
so are my instincts lying
or is it you who is lying?

-------------------

one of the many truths in life:
LOVE IS COMPLICATED

------------------
I told my friend that I like complicated
but I think I said that too fast
I did it without even thinking
because now that I started thinking about it
I realized
I do not like complicated
I like simple
no wait I said that too fast again
I LOVE SIMPLE
-----------------

a magical night of friendship

2010-08-17T10:33:00.000-07:00

from something spontaneous to something expensive to something entirely laughable
there wasn't many opportunities to talk and we all got bankrupt at the end of the day but tonight was still magical
I got to be happy without being silly, got to laugh without feeling totally overwhelmed and forgot all my worries in an instant.
Tonight I get to feel that wonderful feeling of being secure.
Secure in the knowledge that even if the world seems to be resting on my shoulders, there would be people out there who would be willing to shoulder the burden every now and then.
At least tonight I felt I can count on people.

"it is not suppose to be this way"

2010-07-31T23:34:00.001-07:00

I would like to think that I had done my part but the thing is I know that I haven't given it my best.
I would like to blame it all on everyone but myself except that I know that I have a role to play and that I hadn't played it well.
I would like to say I made the time or that I had put my best foot forward but we all know the truth.
But at the same time I cannot put all the burden on my shoulders.
If we are going to honestly look at it, we should at least try to do it with maturity.
I am not making excuses and I am even being adult enough to accept whatever criticism that has been and will probably be thrown my way.
What I am really trying to say here is that liking and loving are two very different things. And that faith, love, and commitment are all useless words if they are not put together. We all have a role to play, and I know I haven't played mine well but that is no excuse to be lackluster in yours. The time for sulking and make-believe is over so please stop.
The bottom line was and still is : IT IS NOT SUPPOSE TO BE THIS WAY

2010-07-27T10:21:00.001-07:00

I wish that when I was younger I could have met my current self. We would have sat down at a coffee shop so that I could explain life to young me in terms that only we would understand. It would have saved me a lot of hardship.

You can listen to all the sage wisdom you want, but things only make sense when you can explain them to yourself in your own words. For instance, I’ve been told for three years that Breaking Bad is the best show on television, but only after I watched it was I able to tell myself exactly why everyone was right. Other truths I know now that I can explain them: that I’m not missing any crucial information and that poker really isn’t all that fun; that heartbreaks do fade but they take about a year longer than you expect and by the time they do you really don’t care about it enough to notice; and above all else, life is simpler than you think.

I used to think that life was an intricate series of levers and pulleys, buttons and switches, Mexican standoffs and hostage negotiations. As I get older I realize that life is more Netherlands minimalist than Jackson Pollock. The problems don’t get fewer, and in fact they grow in number, but the way I index them in the database is different. More problems get filed under fewer category headers.

Things are getting simpler, and it’s making life better. Here’s the cheat sheet:

People want to be liked. We all crave attention and affection and we all reject shame. When we get embarrassed we send a thug version of ourselves to the forefront to do our fighting for us. We’re at the top of the food chain just under fear. We don’t want to be in a relationship to hear the words “I love you,” we want to be in a relationship to say the words “I love you.” We want to feel needed, and exceptional and we hate feeling insignificant. We want to ace a hearing test. We are binary creatures; if we’re the plaintiff, we want to win every dollar. If we’re the defendant, we want guard every penny. We want to make more money than last year. We don’t want to get cancer or die in our cars and we want the same for our loved ones. We go out on weekends to try and have sex while trying not to get punched in the face. We drink so we can be ourselves and not mind it so much. We’re desperate to be understood. We want to know someone else has felt it, too. We hate being judged unfairly. We want to make the person we heard wasn’t all that into us change their minds and admit they had us wrong. We want sunny skies with a chance of killer tornadoes, just to keep music sounding good. We take hours upon hours to admit to self consciousness. We don’t know exactly how to pleasure each other. We just want love. In any and every form.

See? It’s simple. :)

--John Mayer

what my birthday means

2010-07-22T08:31:00.001-07:00

8 January 1987

Your date of conception was on or about 17 April 1986 which was a Thursday.

You were born on a Thursday
under the astrological sign Capricorn.
Your Life path number is 7.

Your fortune cookie reads:
The first step to better times is to imagine them.

Life Path Compatibility:
You are most compatible with those with the Life Path numbers 1, 5 & 7.
You should get along well with those with the Life Path numbers 4 & 22.
You may or may not get along well with those with the Life Path number 9.
You are least compatible with those with the Life Path numbers 2, 3, 6, 8 & 11.

The Julian calendar date of your birth is 2446803.5.
The golden number for 1987 is 12.
The epact number for 1987 is 0.
The year 1987 was not a leap year.

Your birthday falls into the Chinese year beginning 2/9/1986 and ending 1/28/1987.
You were born in the Chinese year of the Tiger.

Your Native American Zodiac sign is Goose; your plant is Bramble.

You were born in the Egyptian month of Famenoth, the third month of the season of Poret (Emergence - Fertile soil).

Your date of birth on the Hebrew calendar is 7 Tevet 5747.
Or if you were born after sundown then the date is 8 Tevet 5747.

The Mayan Calendar long count date of your birthday is 12.18.13.11.19 which is
12 baktun 18 katun 13 tun 11 uinal 19 kin

The Hijra (Islamic Calendar) date of your birth is Thursday, 7 Jumadiyu'l-Avval 1407 (1407-5-7).

The date of Easter on your birth year was Sunday, 19 April 1987.
The date of Orthodox Easter on your birth year was Sunday, 19 April 1987.
The date of Ash Wednesday (the first day of Lent) on your birth year was Wednesday 4 March 1987.
The date of Whitsun (Pentecost Sunday) in the year of your birth was Sunday 7 June 1987.
The date of Whisuntide in the year of your birth was Sunday 14 June 1987.
The date of Rosh Hashanah in the year of your birth was Thursday, 24 September 1987.
The date of Passover in the year of your birth was Tuesday, 14 April 1987.
The date of Mardi Gras on your birth year was Tuesday 3 March 1987.

As of 7/22/2010 11:41:55 AM EDT
You are 23 years old.
You are 282 months old.
You are 1,228 weeks old.
You are 8,596 days old.
You are 206,315 hours old.
You are 12,378,941 minutes old.
You are 742,736,515 seconds old.

Celebrities who share your birthday:

Ami Dolenz (1969)	R. Kelly (1969)	Don Bendell (1947)
David Bowie (1947)	Robby Krieger (1946)	Stephen Hawking (1942)
Yvette Mimieux (1939)	Shirley Bassey (1937)	Elvis Presley (1935)
Charles Osgood (1933)	Soupy Sales (1926)	Ron Moody (1924)
Larry Storch (1923)	Jos‚ Ferrer (1912)	Butterfly McQueen (1911)
Galina Ulanova (1910)	James Longstreet (1821)

Top songs of 1987

Faith by George Michael	Livin' On a Prayer by Bon Jovi
Alone by Heart	With or Without You by U2
La Bamba by Los Lobos	I Wanna Dance with Somebody by Whitney Houston
Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now by Starship	I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For by U2
Didn't We Almost Have It All by Whitney Houston	I Knew You Were Waiting by Aretha Franklin & George Michael

Your age is the equivalent of a dog that is 3.36438356164384 years old. (Life's just a big chewy bone for you!)

Your lucky day is Saturday.
Your lucky number is 8.
Your ruling planet(s) is Saturn & Uranus.
Your lucky dates are 8th, 17th, 26th.
Your opposition sign is Cancer.
Your opposition number(s) is 2 & 7.

Today is not one of your lucky days!

There are 170 days till your next birthday
on which your cake will have 24 candles.

Those 24 candles produce 24 BTUs,
or 6,048 calories of heat (that's only 6.0480 food Calories!) .
You can boil 2.74 US ounces of water with that many candles.

In 1987 there were approximately 3.7 million births in the US.
In 1987 the US population was approximately 226,545,805 people, 64.0 persons per square mile.
In 1987 in the US there were 2,421,000 marriages (9.9%) and 1,157,000 divorces (4.8%)
In 1987 in the US there were approximately 1,990,000 deaths (8.8 per 1000)
In the US a new person is born approximately every 8 seconds.
In the US one person dies approximately every 12 seconds.

In 1987 the population of Australia was approximately 16,394,641.
In 1987 there were approximately 243,959 births in Australia.
In 1987 in Australia there were approximately 114,113 marriages and 39,725 divorces.
In 1987 in Australia there were approximately 117,321 deaths.

Your birth flower is CARNATION

Your birthstone is Garnet

The Mystical properties of Garnet

Garnet is used as a power stone

Some lists consider these stones to be your birthstone. (Birthstone lists come from Jewelers, Tibet, Ayurvedic Indian medicine, and other sources)

Emerald, Rose Quartz

Your birth tree is

Fir Tree, the Mysterious
Extraordinary taste, dignity, cultivated airs, loves anything beautiful, moody, stubborn, tends to egoism but cares for those close to it,rather modest, very ambitious, talented, industrious uncontent lover, many friends, many foes, very reliable.

There are 156 days till Christmas 2010!
There are 169 days till Orthodox Christmas!

The moon's phase on the day you were
born was waxing gibbous.

------------------------------------------------------------

There are 22 letters in your name.
Those 22 letters total to 91
There are 11 vowels and 11 consonants in your name.

What your first name means:

Shakespearean	Female	'King Richard III' Elizabeth, Queen to King Edward IV.
Hebrew	Female	My God is bountiful;God of plenty. Elizabeth was mother of John the Baptist in the bible. In England Queen Elizabeth I and II.One of the most frequently used names in England.
Greek	Female	From the Hebrew Elisheba, meaning either oath of God, or God is satisfaction. Famous bearer: Old Testament Elizabeth was mother of John the Baptist and one of the earliest known bearers of this name; Queen Elizabeth II.
English	Female	My God is bountiful;God of plenty. Elizabeth was mother of John the Baptist in the bible. In England Queen Elizabeth I and II. One of the most frequently used names in England.
Biblical	Female	The oath or fullness of God
Arthurian Legend	Female	Sister of Mark.

Your number is: 1

The characteristics of #1 are: Initiating action, pioneering, leading, independent, attaining, individual.

The expression or destiny for #1:
A number 1 Expression denotes the skilled executive with keen administrative capabilities. You must develop the capacity to be a fine leader, sales executive, or promoter. You have the tools to become an original person with a creative approach to problem solving, and a penchant for initiating action. Someone may have to follow behind you to handle the details, but you know how to get things going and make things happen. You have a good mind and the ability to use it for your advancement. Because of these factors, you have much potential for achievement and financial rewards. Frequently, this expression belongs to one running a business or striving to achieve a level of accomplishment on ones talents and efforts. You have little need for much supervision, preferring to act on your own with little restraint. You are both ambitious and determined. Self-confident and self-reliant must be yours, as you develop a strong unyielding will and the courage of your convictions.

Although you fear loneliness, you want to be left alone. You fear routine and being in a rut. You often jump the gun because you are afraid of being left behind.

The negative attributes of the 1 Expression are egotism and a self-centered approach to life. This is an aggressive number and if it is over-emphasized it is very hard to live with. You do not have to be overly aggressive to fulfill your destiny. The 1 has a natural instinct to dominate and to be the boss; adhering to the concept of being number One. Again, you do not have to dominate and destroy in order to lead and manage.

Your Soul Urge number is: 7

A Soul Urge number of 7 means:
With a number 7 Soul Urge you are very fond of reading, and retreating to periods of being alone and away from the disruptions of the outer world. You like to dream and develop you idealistic understandings, to study and analyze, to gain knowledge and wisdom. You may be too laid back and withdrawn to really succeed in the business world, and you will be much more comfortable in circumstances that are tolerant of your reserve, your analytical approach, and your desire to use your mind rather than your physical being.

You are very timid around people that you don't know very well, so much so at times that casual conversation and social situations can be strained. You tend to repress your emotions to the extend that some people have a good bit of difficult understanding you. You tend to be very selective with friends and you don't easily adapt to new environments or to new people very quickly.

The negative traits of the 7 include becoming too much the introvert and isolated from others.

Your Inner Dream number is: 3

An Inner Dream number of 3 means:
You dream of artistic expression; writing, painting, music. You would seek to more freely express your inner feeling and obtain more enjoyment from life. You also dream of being more popular, likable, and appreciated.

society thinking under a maudlin atmosphere filled with gray clouds and rain-filled afternoons.

2010-07-21T18:02:00.000-07:00

I say I don't lie but the truth is I do.
People always lie.
Such a motto could make someone as hardened as me
undoubtedly paranoid.
This is no way to live.
Pitting instinct against faith is like matching
up a dog and rooster for some sort of animal fighting,
the winner is definitely the stronger one with far bigger paws.
Losing makes me a schizophrenic bipolar attention grabbing
mistress.
It brings out the worst in me.
-----------------------------------------------
And then there are moments like this that makes me just want
to scream and tell the world to please leave me alone because
I don't want to be exposed:

Dead Stars - just like Alfredo, a lot of us see them in our “heaven” of thoughts. Sometimes we feel as if the feeling is still there, that in one moment during our present, we recall these memories that had packed our past emotions with a sky of rainbows, enough to make us feel in love and hurt all in a short while. These dead stars are “things we remember occasionally, not solely because of the other person, but because of who we were at the time. The other person doesn’t even play a big part in the production anymore; he or she is just a character, a supporting role. The main attraction is how it made us feel, the relationship, the emotions involved.” (Caravaggio, www.peyups.com)
-------------------------------------------------

strategic plots and pseudo sisterhood hovers in my recently
changed legal life. One day they were even persuasive enough
that I was made to believe in a happy situation filled with
genuine smiles of an affectionate standard. But then there were
more days that I see the black and white of their technicolor
words. And then I wake up and feel the pull of loneliness and
lack of attention dragging me where I thought I don't want to
be. And then I wake up further and realize that it wasn't really
what I truly wanted so I stopped and just smelled the flowers
along the road. Then like a spotlight granting much needed light
in the stage, I found myself the source of light in a dimly lighted
theater. I cannot even fathom how I got there.
-------------------------------------------------

Ice cream nights and laughter filled afternoons along with slow
mornings became my world. Does it satisfy? maybe and then again
maybe not.
I miss the lure of a strangely filled day with nothing but
stress and books to light up my sincerely monotonous life.
I miss the person I used to be with or without you.

law school and break-ups

2010-07-19T07:49:00.000-07:00

another one of my friends broke up with her boyfriend
apparently "he cannot take it anymore"
because "law school takes too much of her time"
it is always the same reason,
always the same complains
and almost always the same conclusion
which is why when they oriented us at law school
the professors warned us about break-ups and emotional turmoil
they even advised us to stay single till we took the bar or
else hook up with fellow law students instead
or someone with the same career demands such as med students
my friends and I just laughed when he heard that laughable advice
thinking they were just joking
but sometimes when quarrels about time and complaints
about who is important in our lives came up
we just can't help but feel that maybe we should have heeded
their advice
that maybe it was really worth listening to
because it might have saved us all those sleepless nights spent
crying instead of studying or resting
and all those emotional days spent mopping around rather than
focusing on that day's recitation
but we had chosen this
so I suppose we must stick with it
-------------------------------------------------
I don't know much about relationships
I have almost always decidedly failed at it
I don't have a single clue on how to make it work
less so in making it enjoyable
but I am not giving up
I don't want to follow the trend
I love defying trends...
and I love him so I guess
I'll just have to make it work
and he'll just have to endure it all over again
if he can...

andy warhol inspires me at the moment

2010-07-11T19:40:00.000-07:00

great advice.

2010-07-01T10:26:00.001-07:00

You messed up yesterday…

You said the wrong words…

Took the wrong turn…

Loved the wrong person…

Reacted the bad way…

You spoke when you should have listened…

Walked when you should have waited…

Judged when you should have trusted…

Indulged when you should have resisted…

You messed up yesterday.

But you’ll mess it up more if you let yesterday’s mistakes

Ruined today’s attitude.

Today’s a new day.

LIVE IT WELL.

---from beautifulquotestoliveby.blogspot.com

permanence.

2010-06-26T07:56:00.000-07:00

"that in some way in some determined time
a certain somebody with our name lived
in a place where everybody are mortals
wishing they could be immortals."

A SIMPLY STATED OBSERVATION ABOUT FACTS:
we humans are obsessed with permanence.
we love things that were made to endure for a long time.
we create statutes for posterity's sake.
we made memoirs for other people's memories.
and we click the camera to promote continuity.
then we write blogs in order to be immortal.
we all want to be remembered.
we all want people to know that we existed.

pickpocket victim

2010-06-15T10:44:00.000-07:00

i lost my wallet today
along with my ateneo alumni card
driver's license, school id, mrt free access pass
regform, tuition receipt, class cards, ateneo
pabaon rosary, picture with special someone
and lots of vip timezone and powerstation
cards and money
for buying my new phone
:(

I'm sad because of the lost of the stuffs
with sentimental value
and apprehensive because of the things
with personal info
and feeling totally anxious because
I have to go to so much trouble in
replacing all the important cards that
I have now lost...

maybe she needs the money more than I do
so I suppose I should let this go
but grrrr
I really can't describe how I feel right now
I hope I find the strength to forgive the thief

first june post

2010-06-14T09:56:00.000-07:00

so what happened this past few weeks:
got my left upper and lower wisdom teeth extracted
all extrenous activities ruled out
went through the enrollment process for two weeks
dealt with an angry and snappy kuya jerome for days
moved into a new dorm
waiting for classes to begin
missing friends
missing someone

sharing dreams.

2010-05-24T00:34:00.000-07:00

It was with regret that I stopped talking when
you shared your dream.
I fear that if you continue to share your
dream with me I would find myself entangled
in a web where you are the center.
As we both know, anything with you as the
center is dangerous.
So I opted to stop rather than be a part
of your world.

I would much rather share your dream with you
but I cannot because in my life there are always
other people to think about.

killing the suspense rather than be killed by the suspense

2010-05-17T01:56:00.000-07:00

I am lucky...
still lucky
so I'll count my blessings
rather than lie in bed thinking of the past I cannot change
or the future I have no control of
today
I'll live the present
moment by moment
minute by minute
second by second
refreshing the page
breathing in and out
praying
and
hoping
and hoping
and hoping
and hoping
and hoping
and hoping
until the final die is cast
and the final grade is seen
-----
optimism is the key
and prayer is the answer

decluttering my life one memory at a time...

2010-04-30T04:25:00.000-07:00

after being sick with "super-flu"
I've spent my April
doing a lot of cleaning and thinking...
so now
after weeks of cleaning
my dorm stuffs are organized
my books are arranged beautifully
my clothes fit in my closet
my socks, swimsuits, handkerchiefs,
bandanas and accessories are segregated
properly
and the cds and dvds are cleaned and stored

Unlike other people
I have always loved cleaning
I love the feeling of getting something done
at the end of the day
and I like seeing the messes of my life
all wiped out
I always feel free afterwards

anyway...
this april 2010
after weeks of decluttering
amidst piles of dust
and after being assailed with
a thousand memories
I feel free again
I'm ready to face the world again
because apparently
after 10 months of being depressed
due to law school
all I need is my yearly dose of cleaning
---------------------
My mom insisted on cleaning the other day and so I ended up spending the entire day amidst piles of papers and covered in dust. I sorted out my law school stuff and arranged them for next sem and then got some of my college stuff thrown out as well. Then my mom brought this huge box containing my highschool books and some grade school stuffs and I just can’t help but laugh and cry at all the memories the things packed in the box made me remember. There were autographs signed by my friends with funny answers in them, photos long forgotten, and notes that I had thought were lost. I saw my old attempts at poetry and even my old organizers filled with my daily schedule that I had thought were superbly hectic at the time. And then I came across a flower, nicely dried and pressed between the pages of an old organizer turned diary. I laughed at my clearly sentimental young self and tried to remember who gave it to me and why I had thought it was special and decided to preserve it. But the saddest thing is that I can’t remember. Goes to show how fickle the mind really is and how forgetful human beings are.
But I suppose it was a good reminder for me not to be a pack rat. So now every time I have an urge to keep things because of their sentimental value I would just look at the picture of that flower and remember that things only have value because we attach meanings to them and that soon I would forget why they have sentimental value at all so there would actually be no need to keep them.

2010-03-25T10:19:00.001-07:00

I remember dreading my first day at law school. I don’t know anyone and there was only 10 months of studying to look forward to.
I arrived at school thinking I was late but it turned out I was early. It was a hot day and I was getting grumpy because I have been walking back and forth the corridor trying to find the classroom but to no avail.
In front of the door of a room that looked like a converted storage space was a thin girl with long straight hair. I was about to ask her if she knew where room 13-O is but someone bumped into me. The “bumper” was a curly-haired girl who looked like she was totally familiar with the place. She loudly said goodbye to some guy who looked like an upperclassman. I don’t remember much about what happened next except that other people started coming and that I somehow figured out from the conversations around me that the storage looking space was to be our classroom for the rest of the semester. I was disappointed. The place was dismal.
To take my mind off the dismal place, I tried to have a conversation with the thin straight-haired girl but she responded to my questions with clipped answers and I somehow got the impression that she doesn’t want to talk and so I decided I better shut up. And besides, I wasn’t much of a conversationalist, I had probably bored her. But I am a good listener and the curly-haired girl was talking non-stop, I decided I’d listen to her instead.
We were the first ones in the room and we get to choose where to sit. I chose a seat near the wall because I was planning to be inconspicuous. The thin straight-haired girl who was now talking to a pretty looking girl with very white skin was seated at the next row. The curly-haired girl sat beside me, and I was surprised that she was still talking. It was obvious she was excited. I remember envying her the enthusiasm. At that moment I would have gladly exchanged everything just to feel anything aside from the dread I was feeling.
The place started to fill-up and I started boy-hunting but only two were worth looking at and so I abandoned the activity. I remembered being annoyed at a couple (a Chinese looking girl and a cute-looking boy with a somewhat broken nose) at the back because they were a little bit noisy.
Then the facilitators were there and announced that public introductions were necessary. I remember listening attentively to everyone, observing the people who would be my companions for the next 10 months. A tall guy in front who was openly gay, a girl who was a bit too small and who reminded me of a former classmate, a mature looking woman who looks a lot like a second cousin of mine, a girl with a weird name that sounded like a greek alphabet, a man in slacks and polo and a girl with a scarf were the only ones that caught my attention, probably because they were different.
Then I remember nudging the curly-haired girl when I heard the girl with a big front say she was from UST and was a Psych major. True to form, the curly-haired girl at the earliest possible opportunity started chatting her up. She included me in the conversation and then I found out we had common friends and we all got fascinated by the connection and then before we knew it we were talking continuously. And just like that I made my first friends in law school.
I remember thinking that if I get to spend time with people like them then perhaps I could learn to love law school.
That was the only day that was slow, every day that followed was fast, busy and filled with stressful recits to prepare for, numerous cases to read, thousands of pages to absorb and hundreds of provisions to memorize.
And I know I wouldn’t have made it through each day without them.

After 10 months of being buried in law school books, photocopied cases and post-it notes I am here writing a very long blog post and crying like a baby because it’s the last day of school and I am going to miss them terribly.

So here’s to the shared laughter, the many sleepless nights, the beauty talks, the cam-whoring moments, the bad recit days, the mean girl comments, the kart-racing nights, the corny jokes, the go-go balls, the impromptu foodtrips, the spontaneous activities, the failed going-out plans, the political lectures, the many presidential debates, the KFC meetings, the dinners and lunch at Mcdo, Mang Inasal, Chowking, Jollibee, Mang Pepe’s and first Strip, the FB addiction, the pouring out of love problems, the helping out during recits and exams, the Gabriel-stalking incidents, the many overnight at Meg’s, the numerous nonsense conversations and the countless text messages.

Thank you guys for making the 10 months bearable!
I’ll see you next sem! =)

undoubtedly about you

2010-03-08T05:17:00.001-08:00

“Come with me and live again.”
That basically sums up what he wanted me to do. All of his words and efforts mean only one thing, that is, with him I’d be alive again. My eyes would be smiling again, my lips would be laughing and my heart would begin to beat again in that steady, undisturbed rhythm it used to have. He was offering me all that and I refused. What was even more ironic was that he was offering me everything and all I can give in return was gratitude. I actually said “Thank you”. But he only wanted my simple “yes”. He didn’t even ask me to jump. He just wanted me to take his hand and trust. I never did. I was too preoccupied with chasing a foolish dream and busied myself with things that had nothing to do with us. And while he was laying his heart at my feet, I was too busy building defenses. I was afraid to love him because I don’t know how to equal his love for me. So, I gave him my thanks and then said sorry. It was one of those cold, ruthless and insensible goodbyes that people hate. And yet here he is, chiding himself for making a fool of himself over me again and probably smacking his head in a vain effort to knock some sense into it. But he is nevertheless here, smiling at me again in that slow curvy smile, laughing that deep rumble of his and looking at me as if I’ve got some halo above my head. He is hesitant and a bit distant but he is brave enough to respond to my call and reach out to me again. And that HUMBLES me. I know I don’t deserve that. But right now, I am really selfish enough to grab what Cupid has sent in my way. I’m taking a chance this time around. If he would offer again I’d take his hand and trust. This time it would be different because I’m making damn sure it would be. Now I won’t let him go away. I would never make him feel desperate or helpless again. He is not going to weep and feel that there is nothing to hold on to. I’m going to make sure I would not anymore be the cause of that bitter hurt that filled his eyes or that solemn mask that occupy his face. I am going to make him smile again. This time I’m going to love him the right way. So God please let me be worthy of him. Let me love him the way he deserves to be.
---------------------------------------------------------------

written during one tedious day at school
after a solemn conversation with a law school friend about love
and done while waiting for the most feared professor during that semester to call me for recitation

and so then I end this by asking---
must you always believe the worst of me every time I do something different?
must you always hurt me when you feel vulnerable?
and must you always hurl the hurts of the past back and make me feel
guilty every time we quarrel?

P.S
but that does not excuse my being on the defensive all the time...
I own up to my share in the fight...
I undoubtedly failed in what I had endeavored to do...
I hurt you time and time again...
and I 'm sorry
oh and btw,
I really do CARE...
and I am hurt that you thought that I don't

What the months might say if a night can keep quiet

2010-03-02T08:49:00.000-08:00

I arrived late for class and was consequently unaware of the planner
that the beadle was distributing.
When I got my copy I looked at it and thought that it looked good but cheap.
But when I read the poems inside the planner..I was absolutely floored!
It was like holding a copy of Heights in my hand.
The writers and the photographers are AMAZING!
Just so you can see how good they are,
here is the first poem in the planner...

What the months might say if a night can keep quiet
-Ada Dizon Angeles

We can always point out, of course, the wrong timing and say

that we were the wrong persons making the wrong decisions.

But these days, whenever I am tempted to remember, I try to

look at things in reverse.

The memories flash before me in this order: a dark empty space

replaces everything, our anger explodes, I get confused with

your reasons, we say we’ll be just friends, we say we are lovers,

you show me how broken you are and I refuse to tell you that I

am broken, too, because I just want to help you fix yourself.

Near the end, you give me pointers – on life, on lhow to

Understand and love you – then I crumple an e-mailed sample

Exam to make the paper look old and give it to you.

Before the screen of memory closes, the other excuses we

made up to see each other for the first few times roll out as

credits.

I look at things in reverse because that way I remember that

we only wanted to help each other survive. And here we are,

both surviving.

I remember things that way so I can say that I loved you at

the right time, we made the right decisions, and during those

times, no other person was as perfect for me as you were.

rooftop music.

2010-02-17T21:32:00.000-08:00

Rooftop Music

Guitar strings and

Easy memories

On a rooftop

Without fantasies

Sunset red and

Forgotten fantasies

On a rooftop

Alive with memories

A romantic sight

For a disillusioned soul

Who only wanted dreams

A sorry sight

For the romantic soul

Who gave up dreams

I look forward to see

And let my eyes behold

I turned around to be free

And stop the cold

The beauty

And the pain

Of the sight of you

In the forgotten madness

Of a long-ago maze

With rooftop music

And the fire of sunset haze

missing the little rascal

2010-02-07T02:15:00.000-08:00

my cute pamangkin just left for davao
and I am feeling unsurprisingly sad

see
I always assumed that I would see him
grow up and become the heartbreaker that he
would surely be
I had actually looked forward to the day
when he would be able to say my name without
hesitation or when he would look at me
and recognize me immediately

I miss him already...

when he returns he probably won't notice me
haay
:(