~disappointment~

I was debating whether or not to write this here
but since I have no one to talk to
I finally decided that I should just let go of all my worries
and write all that I am feeling here
forgive the grammatical errors and the swear words
when you're in this kind of state
you just have no idea what you're writing
and i think i am allowed to be "drama queenish" here
this is my blog after all

------

Do you know that I hate the word DISAPPOINTMENT and every f*cking word
that can be derived from it and that have the same meaning
I hate seeing it written down
I hate hearing it
I hate seeing it on people's faces
especially when it is directed at me

If you really want to hurt me and make me cry
All you have to do is say that word in front me

And so why am I sharing this?
because lately disappointment was all around me
Why?

because I failed not one but two subjects

let me just tell you my sad story so you might understand

---------
I was expecting it of course but nothing could ever prepare me
to the horrors awaiting me
I remember telling a friend of mine the day before the distribution of grades
that the way I am feeling can be likened to that of a soldier marching his way to death
anyway
when I finally saw the results
and saw with weary eyes the confirmation of one of my biggest fears in life
I nearly fainted
but I told myself I have to be strong, so I fixed a smile on my face
try to work things out in my head
formed plans and tried to stay optimistic
eventhough inside my heart is pumping like crazy
and my mind is whirling like a freaking hurricane
The people I am with that day never realized how I really feel
I don't think they have any idea of what was really going on in my head
I can see in their faces the surprise that they endeavored to hide from me
but obviously to no success
They felt a little of my sadness and provided me with some comforting words
but those words never gave me the kind of comfort that I need
They keep saying things like
"ok lang yan, meron ngang iba dyan...."
as if I should rejoice in the fact that someone got lower grades than mine who
perhaps at that moment was crying and carrying the same burden that I was
carrying myself
"ok lang yan, kaya mo yan"
i don't think a reliance on the strength that i supposedly possessed is a good way
to comfort me because as far as I can see, the "strength" you're talking about
has just failed me bigtime
"you'll get through that..you're strong"
is that you saying that you won't be there to help me because apparently
I am strong?
"sayang, baka naman may other way pa"
thank you for subtly reminding me of my d*mn predicament
"sh*t sayang liz"
I know duh

my answers were not the words that i had written below each comforting phrase
but of course the polite words that according to society
I was compelled to give them
though I appreciate those kind words for all that they were really meant to be
I just cannot feel the necessary comfort that they should have given me
on the contrary
I felt even more depressed
because in addition to DISAPPOINTMENT
I now have PITY to deal with
and to me those were perhaps two of the worst possible feelings in the world
to deal with

so now let me continue

i managed to work some things out
and got relieved of some of my worries
I recollected myself and prepare for the nightmare that was awaiting me at home
When I got home
I saw to my dismay
the tear-stained face of my mother
and the pitying eyes of my sister
I felt my heart breaking
but I did not cry
I partly told them the truth and that they should have nothing to worry about
because I have gotten things worked out
I just have to attend summer classes and all will be well
If they believed me
I have no idea
I cannot bear to look at them
so I asked if I can eat my dinner
and implied that I do not wish to be questioned farther on the matter
I waited for my dad to get home
and those hours were perhaps the longest hours of my life
it was pure torture
and it was agony to see his face when my mom and i told him about my two Fs
but it was his speech and his sermon loaded with the words disappoinment and respect
that broke me
I obviously cried
and from that moment on
I knew I could never again
have the same relationship that I have always enjoyed with my father
Starting from that moment
I was not "Daddy's girl" anymore
I knew that he would never looked at me the same way again
In his eyes
I was the perfect epitome of disappointment

but i was able to hide it well from everyone
I was able to go through school again
like a normal individual
and converse with people like there is nothing wrong with me

but today
something happened

my favorite aunt called
it was an overseas call from saudi
this was obviously an unfortunate night for me
because I was the one who answered the f*cking call
she cheerfully greeted me
and as usual bantered with me
As to why she have to asked about my grades
I have no idea
And as to why I did not lie and told her the truth instead
I have no idea as well
It was really heartbreaking to hear her voice
It was a wonder I did not cry

God must be very angry with me
because it seem as though
my parent's disappointment was not enough punishment for me
now
my favorite aunt's disappointment added even more salt to my wounded heart


====

why is it that I am always the one who is expected to live up to expectations?
why is it that I am the one who is always relied on to follow every f*cking wish?
why me?

the answer has and always will be this:

I AM THE FIRST BORN
it is my responsibility

d*mn!!!
kung walang expectations
eh di wla dng disappointment

lecheng responsibility yan
tinanggal niyan sa akin ang karapatang mangarap para sa sarili ko

i just hate my life right now

If upon reading this you have the sudden urge to ask me
how I'm doing

don't ask me
because I am going to say I am ok
and you're going to think I am ok
which is of course not true

so to avoid any lies
lets just pretend nothing ever happened
just please be there when i need you