RaNt

Thursday, March 25, 2010

I remember dreading my first day at law school. I don’t know anyone and there was only 10 months of studying to look forward to.
I arrived at school thinking I was late but it turned out I was early. It was a hot day and I was getting grumpy because I have been walking back and forth the corridor trying to find the classroom but to no avail.
In front of the door of a room that looked like a converted storage space was a thin girl with long straight hair. I was about to ask her if she knew where room 13-O is but someone bumped into me. The “bumper” was a curly-haired girl who looked like she was totally familiar with the place. She loudly said goodbye to some guy who looked like an upperclassman. I don’t remember much about what happened next except that other people started coming and that I somehow figured out from the conversations around me that the storage looking space was to be our classroom for the rest of the semester. I was disappointed. The place was dismal.
To take my mind off the dismal place, I tried to have a conversation with the thin straight-haired girl but she responded to my questions with clipped answers and I somehow got the impression that she doesn’t want to talk and so I decided I better shut up. And besides, I wasn’t much of a conversationalist, I had probably bored her. But I am a good listener and the curly-haired girl was talking non-stop, I decided I’d listen to her instead.
We were the first ones in the room and we get to choose where to sit. I chose a seat near the wall because I was planning to be inconspicuous. The thin straight-haired girl who was now talking to a pretty looking girl with very white skin was seated at the next row. The curly-haired girl sat beside me, and I was surprised that she was still talking. It was obvious she was excited. I remember envying her the enthusiasm. At that moment I would have gladly exchanged everything just to feel anything aside from the dread I was feeling.
The place started to fill-up and I started boy-hunting but only two were worth looking at and so I abandoned the activity. I remembered being annoyed at a couple (a Chinese looking girl and a cute-looking boy with a somewhat broken nose) at the back because they were a little bit noisy.
Then the facilitators were there and announced that public introductions were necessary. I remember listening attentively to everyone, observing the people who would be my companions for the next 10 months. A tall guy in front who was openly gay, a girl who was a bit too small and who reminded me of a former classmate, a mature looking woman who looks a lot like a second cousin of mine, a girl with a weird name that sounded like a greek alphabet, a man in slacks and polo and a girl with a scarf were the only ones that caught my attention, probably because they were different.
Then I remember nudging the curly-haired girl when I heard the girl with a big front say she was from UST and was a Psych major. True to form, the curly-haired girl at the earliest possible opportunity started chatting her up. She included me in the conversation and then I found out we had common friends and we all got fascinated by the connection and then before we knew it we were talking continuously. And just like that I made my first friends in law school.
I remember thinking that if I get to spend time with people like them then perhaps I could learn to love law school.
That was the only day that was slow, every day that followed was fast, busy and filled with stressful recits to prepare for, numerous cases to read, thousands of pages to absorb and hundreds of provisions to memorize.
And I know I wouldn’t have made it through each day without them.

After 10 months of being buried in law school books, photocopied cases and post-it notes I am here writing a very long blog post and crying like a baby because it’s the last day of school and I am going to miss them terribly.

So here’s to the shared laughter, the many sleepless nights, the beauty talks, the cam-whoring moments, the bad recit days, the mean girl comments, the kart-racing nights, the corny jokes, the go-go balls, the impromptu foodtrips, the spontaneous activities, the failed going-out plans, the political lectures, the many presidential debates, the KFC meetings, the dinners and lunch at Mcdo, Mang Inasal, Chowking, Jollibee, Mang Pepe’s and first Strip, the FB addiction, the pouring out of love problems, the helping out during recits and exams, the Gabriel-stalking incidents, the many overnight at Meg’s, the numerous nonsense conversations and the countless text messages.

Thank you guys for making the 10 months bearable!
I’ll see you next sem! =)



Monday, March 08, 2010

undoubtedly about you

“Come with me and live again.”
That basically sums up what he wanted me to do. All of his words and efforts mean only one thing, that is, with him I’d be alive again. My eyes would be smiling again, my lips would be laughing and my heart would begin to beat again in that steady, undisturbed rhythm it used to have. He was offering me all that and I refused. What was even more ironic was that he was offering me everything and all I can give in return was gratitude. I actually said “Thank you”. But he only wanted my simple “yes”. He didn’t even ask me to jump. He just wanted me to take his hand and trust. I never did. I was too preoccupied with chasing a foolish dream and busied myself with things that had nothing to do with us. And while he was laying his heart at my feet, I was too busy building defenses. I was afraid to love him because I don’t know how to equal his love for me. So, I gave him my thanks and then said sorry. It was one of those cold, ruthless and insensible goodbyes that people hate. And yet here he is, chiding himself for making a fool of himself over me again and probably smacking his head in a vain effort to knock some sense into it. But he is nevertheless here, smiling at me again in that slow curvy smile, laughing that deep rumble of his and looking at me as if I’ve got some halo above my head. He is hesitant and a bit distant but he is brave enough to respond to my call and reach out to me again. And that HUMBLES me. I know I don’t deserve that. But right now, I am really selfish enough to grab what Cupid has sent in my way. I’m taking a chance this time around. If he would offer again I’d take his hand and trust. This time it would be different because I’m making damn sure it would be. Now I won’t let him go away. I would never make him feel desperate or helpless again. He is not going to weep and feel that there is nothing to hold on to. I’m going to make sure I would not anymore be the cause of that bitter hurt that filled his eyes or that solemn mask that occupy his face. I am going to make him smile again. This time I’m going to love him the right way. So God please let me be worthy of him. Let me love him the way he deserves to be.
---------------------------------------------------------------

written during one tedious day at school
after a solemn conversation with a law school friend about love
and done while waiting for the most feared professor during that semester to call me for recitation


and so then I end this by asking---
must you always believe the worst of me every time I do something different?
must you always hurt me when you feel vulnerable?
and must you always hurl the hurts of the past back and make me feel
guilty every time we quarrel?

P.S
but that does not excuse my being on the defensive all the time...
I own up to my share in the fight...
I undoubtedly failed in what I had endeavored to do...
I hurt you time and time again...
and I 'm sorry
oh and btw,
I really do CARE...
and I am hurt that you thought that I don't

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

What the months might say if a night can keep quiet

I arrived late for class and was consequently unaware of the planner
that the beadle was distributing.
When I got my copy I looked at it and thought that it looked good but cheap.
But when I read the poems inside the planner..I was absolutely floored!
It was like holding a copy of Heights in my hand.
The writers and the photographers are AMAZING!
Just so you can see how good they are,
here is the first poem in the planner...

What the months might say if a night can keep quiet
-Ada Dizon Angeles

We can always point out, of course, the wrong timing and say

that we were the wrong persons making the wrong decisions.

But these days, whenever I am tempted to remember, I try to

look at things in reverse.

The memories flash before me in this order: a dark empty space

replaces everything, our anger explodes, I get confused with

your reasons, we say we’ll be just friends, we say we are lovers,

you show me how broken you are and I refuse to tell you that I

am broken, too, because I just want to help you fix yourself.

Near the end, you give me pointers – on life, on lhow to

Understand and love you – then I crumple an e-mailed sample

Exam to make the paper look old and give it to you.

Before the screen of memory closes, the other excuses we

made up to see each other for the first few times roll out as

credits.

I look at things in reverse because that way I remember that

we only wanted to help each other survive. And here we are,

both surviving.

I remember things that way so I can say that I loved you at

the right time, we made the right decisions, and during those

times, no other person was as perfect for me as you were.


 
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