more thoughts.

There will come a time in our lives when we start to really
think seriously about the future::::
for some that time may come earlier than most, maybe even when
they're just teenagers
for others it may come at a later age, perhaps when they're in their
50s or nearing old age:::
But regardless of when that would happen, that moment will certainly
change our lives forever:::
i don't mean to sound too "preacherly" its just that i have been thinking
about this kinds of stuff lately:::
my philo and theo classes were all about "You as a person" (whatever
that means):::
those classes were filling my head with stuffs i really don't want to think
about:::
I had a lot of questions before, questions that i honestly don't know the
answers:::
In time though I learned to suppressed them in my mind, I grew tired of looking
for the answers. In short, I gave up and let other people stir my life:::
but those classes made them surfaced again and even managed to add more
questions. Almost suddenly, I found myself again asking, looking, reflecting,
discerning etc.:::
And that "time" I was talking about earlier, it is happening to me now.
When I am 20 years of age and utterly dependent on my parents:::
I thought of what my future could be like and what I could be like 10 or maybe
20 years from now and for the first time in 15 years I don't have an answer.
And that scared the hell out of me:::
For as long as I can think and dream for myself, I knew exactly what I'll be in
the next years of my life:::
I had a plan for myself, I knew were I was going, I knew who I would be and
what I would be doing:::
Nevermind that my plans were really my parents' or that my so-called
dream were actually theirs, at least I had a plan. My life at least made some
sense.:::
But now that I am starting to break away from all that crap
and began questioning life again, I feel suddenly terrified:::
Because now my life is not mapped out for me, there were twists and turns
I didn't expect and there's certainly going to be more,
it suddenly does not make sense:::
I'm scared but I'm going to live it, I'm going to look for answers again and
ride this rollercoaster called life:::
And change my life:::


---------------------------------------
on somewhat trivial things:
bes is moving to quezon city soon, and I unexpectedly felt lonely
because now I'm the only one from the old crowd
who's left here
everybody just started moving out
I felt like I'm being left behind
:
:
I suddenly realized what is wrong with me and
I am actually contemplating on seeing someone
:
:
Two guys said "I love You" to me this morning
and I wished so much that they were both real
because at the moment I don't think they are
:
:
Somebody asked me why I still don't have a serious boyfriend
I countered by asking why is he so interested in my love affairs
He smiled, and concluded something with the way I answered
and I just let him think whatever he wanted to think
:
:
Coz you know what
I was but waiting for you, you fool!
but you would never be man enough to do that
and just to clear things
I am soooo not YOUR girl
and I don't think I ever will