Dotted black posts and long words.
Perception
some people are blessed with acute perception. they can see almost every detail and perceived without much effort things that are hidden. it would be greatly discomfiting to meet one. and it would be very much of a hassle should you become the object of interest of one. trust me i know...
Past life
lately due to lack of things to do i found myself immersed in an excruciating mental exercise. reliving memories of a life that i had almost forgotten and would have totally forgotten had i not stubbornly cling to some mementos. i don't really know why i had been surprised to see how some things have changed a lot while others have remained unerringly the same. its like some things were meant to be frozen forever in the same fashion that they have been made while others were meant to be totally forgotten. but what is really bizarre in this sad polaristic nature of things is the fact that the ones that i want to keep are the ones that were meant to be written in sand and the ones that i would be glad to throw away were the ones that were meant to be encased in dashing crystal.
Commitment
a friend amidst puffs of dirty smoke asked me about commitment. if i can really see myself committing. it was an honestly curious question that i thought deserved an honest answer. my automatic answer would usually be a YES but after the many changes in my life and the circumstances that i am in now i answered differently. it wasn't really a question of loyalty because past relationships are proof enough of how loyal i can be. and it was not about the amount of affection i can give or the degree of emotion i can invest because the long arduous task of recovery after each end of relationship are also evidence enough of how much i can love. i guess what it was really about is my total lack of understanding of myself. i am somewhat in a crossroads right now which was kind of surprising really since i thought that the self discovery and identity crisis ended when i was 18. i answered "someday but not today" because i thought that it would be unfair for me to impose myself on someone when i am still uncertain of my future and most importantly of who i really am. i enjoy flings as much as anyone does but i do miss the daily delights and security that only a relationship can give. but really i don't think that my own delight and security are worth enough to cause someone else's unhappiness. And while i truly miss going to games to watch my man play it rough with other men or see him strut his stuff in the dancefloor and all the hugging and kissing that came afterward i would gladly give it all up just so i could finally be at peace with myself. selfish? NO---just loving myself MORE
Rifts
are obviously a part of life that cannot be avoided. arguments, lies and bad endings peppered my existence. who would blame me if i fall into pits of depression every now and then? sometimes it is so hard to be ME. i wish i could just go away and elope with some man that a lot of people would not approve of then go to Canada or somewhere equally far so long as i can escape my life. but alas i think too highly of myself to do that and i end up fighting bouts of occasional depression. so too end the latest rift what do i say? "JUST LET ME BE YOUNG ONE MORE TIME AND THEN I WOULD PLAY THE ROLE OF ADULT THE REST OF MY LIFE, EXACTLY THE WAY YOU ALWAYS EXPECTED ME TO" super dramatic but also undoubtedly anti-climactic and non-effective.
Reform
for the past years i keep waiting for that defining moment where my life would stop its staccato fall toward the depths of Hade's abode only to be disappointed time and again when it never came. it was only recently that i realized that i should not wait for it but instead work hard to attain that wished for moment. in fact the moment that i was waiting for is not really a moment, it is a collection of many moments. reformation is a process, it is best to remember that.
Survival
i remember my 18th birthday celebration. i was the epitome of happiness that day. my braces were already gone and i can then actually smile as widely as i can without injuring my lips. my friends were there to celebrate that special day with me and my family organized the event quite beautifully. i was recently accepted in my dream university and my future looked totally bright. and i was contentedly in love. i felt like i was on top of the world. it was the closest that i ever felt to experiencing heaven. but then as expected nothing is really permanent and so everything came crashing down. insecurities, heartaches, failures, death and bad grades bombarded the years that followed. they were things that i was unfamiliar with and there i was groping blindly about. alone and feeling pitiable. it was hell.
but the prime animal instict of survival saved me. here i am now,22 and disillusioned and scarred for the rest of my life but undeniably more learned in the ways of life on earth. and still fighting mind you...
some people are blessed with acute perception. they can see almost every detail and perceived without much effort things that are hidden. it would be greatly discomfiting to meet one. and it would be very much of a hassle should you become the object of interest of one. trust me i know...
Past life
lately due to lack of things to do i found myself immersed in an excruciating mental exercise. reliving memories of a life that i had almost forgotten and would have totally forgotten had i not stubbornly cling to some mementos. i don't really know why i had been surprised to see how some things have changed a lot while others have remained unerringly the same. its like some things were meant to be frozen forever in the same fashion that they have been made while others were meant to be totally forgotten. but what is really bizarre in this sad polaristic nature of things is the fact that the ones that i want to keep are the ones that were meant to be written in sand and the ones that i would be glad to throw away were the ones that were meant to be encased in dashing crystal.
Commitment
a friend amidst puffs of dirty smoke asked me about commitment. if i can really see myself committing. it was an honestly curious question that i thought deserved an honest answer. my automatic answer would usually be a YES but after the many changes in my life and the circumstances that i am in now i answered differently. it wasn't really a question of loyalty because past relationships are proof enough of how loyal i can be. and it was not about the amount of affection i can give or the degree of emotion i can invest because the long arduous task of recovery after each end of relationship are also evidence enough of how much i can love. i guess what it was really about is my total lack of understanding of myself. i am somewhat in a crossroads right now which was kind of surprising really since i thought that the self discovery and identity crisis ended when i was 18. i answered "someday but not today" because i thought that it would be unfair for me to impose myself on someone when i am still uncertain of my future and most importantly of who i really am. i enjoy flings as much as anyone does but i do miss the daily delights and security that only a relationship can give. but really i don't think that my own delight and security are worth enough to cause someone else's unhappiness. And while i truly miss going to games to watch my man play it rough with other men or see him strut his stuff in the dancefloor and all the hugging and kissing that came afterward i would gladly give it all up just so i could finally be at peace with myself. selfish? NO---just loving myself MORE
Rifts
are obviously a part of life that cannot be avoided. arguments, lies and bad endings peppered my existence. who would blame me if i fall into pits of depression every now and then? sometimes it is so hard to be ME. i wish i could just go away and elope with some man that a lot of people would not approve of then go to Canada or somewhere equally far so long as i can escape my life. but alas i think too highly of myself to do that and i end up fighting bouts of occasional depression. so too end the latest rift what do i say? "JUST LET ME BE YOUNG ONE MORE TIME AND THEN I WOULD PLAY THE ROLE OF ADULT THE REST OF MY LIFE, EXACTLY THE WAY YOU ALWAYS EXPECTED ME TO" super dramatic but also undoubtedly anti-climactic and non-effective.
Reform
for the past years i keep waiting for that defining moment where my life would stop its staccato fall toward the depths of Hade's abode only to be disappointed time and again when it never came. it was only recently that i realized that i should not wait for it but instead work hard to attain that wished for moment. in fact the moment that i was waiting for is not really a moment, it is a collection of many moments. reformation is a process, it is best to remember that.
Survival
i remember my 18th birthday celebration. i was the epitome of happiness that day. my braces were already gone and i can then actually smile as widely as i can without injuring my lips. my friends were there to celebrate that special day with me and my family organized the event quite beautifully. i was recently accepted in my dream university and my future looked totally bright. and i was contentedly in love. i felt like i was on top of the world. it was the closest that i ever felt to experiencing heaven. but then as expected nothing is really permanent and so everything came crashing down. insecurities, heartaches, failures, death and bad grades bombarded the years that followed. they were things that i was unfamiliar with and there i was groping blindly about. alone and feeling pitiable. it was hell.
but the prime animal instict of survival saved me. here i am now,22 and disillusioned and scarred for the rest of my life but undeniably more learned in the ways of life on earth. and still fighting mind you...
posted by RaNt at
2:55 AM
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