RaNt

Saturday, July 31, 2010

"it is not suppose to be this way"

I would like to think that I had done my part but the thing is I know that I haven't given it my best.
I would like to blame it all on everyone but myself except that I know that I have a role to play and that I hadn't played it well.
I would like to say I made the time or that I had put my best foot forward but we all know the truth.
But at the same time I cannot put all the burden on my shoulders.
If we are going to honestly look at it, we should at least try to do it with maturity.
I am not making excuses and I am even being adult enough to accept whatever criticism that has been and will probably be thrown my way.
What I am really trying to say here is that liking and loving are two very different things. And that faith, love, and commitment are all useless words if they are not put together. We all have a role to play, and I know I haven't played mine well but that is no excuse to be lackluster in yours. The time for sulking and make-believe is over so please stop.
The bottom line was and still is : IT IS NOT SUPPOSE TO BE THIS WAY

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

I wish that when I was younger I could have met my current self. We would have sat down at a coffee shop so that I could explain life to young me in terms that only we would understand. It would have saved me a lot of hardship.

You can listen to all the sage wisdom you want, but things only make sense when you can explain them to yourself in your own words. For instance, I’ve been told for three years that Breaking Bad is the best show on television, but only after I watched it was I able to tell myself exactly why everyone was right. Other truths I know now that I can explain them: that I’m not missing any crucial information and that poker really isn’t all that fun; that heartbreaks do fade but they take about a year longer than you expect and by the time they do you really don’t care about it enough to notice; and above all else, life is simpler than you think.

I used to think that life was an intricate series of levers and pulleys, buttons and switches, Mexican standoffs and hostage negotiations. As I get older I realize that life is more Netherlands minimalist than Jackson Pollock. The problems don’t get fewer, and in fact they grow in number, but the way I index them in the database is different. More problems get filed under fewer category headers.

Things are getting simpler, and it’s making life better. Here’s the cheat sheet:

People want to be liked. We all crave attention and affection and we all reject shame. When we get embarrassed we send a thug version of ourselves to the forefront to do our fighting for us. We’re at the top of the food chain just under fear. We don’t want to be in a relationship to hear the words “I love you,” we want to be in a relationship to say the words “I love you.” We want to feel needed, and exceptional and we hate feeling insignificant. We want to ace a hearing test. We are binary creatures; if we’re the plaintiff, we want to win every dollar. If we’re the defendant, we want guard every penny. We want to make more money than last year. We don’t want to get cancer or die in our cars and we want the same for our loved ones. We go out on weekends to try and have sex while trying not to get punched in the face. We drink so we can be ourselves and not mind it so much. We’re desperate to be understood. We want to know someone else has felt it, too. We hate being judged unfairly. We want to make the person we heard wasn’t all that into us change their minds and admit they had us wrong. We want sunny skies with a chance of killer tornadoes, just to keep music sounding good. We take hours upon hours to admit to self consciousness. We don’t know exactly how to pleasure each other. We just want love. In any and every form.

See? It’s simple. :)

--John Mayer

Thursday, July 22, 2010

what my birthday means

8 January 1987

Your date of conception was on or about 17 April 1986 which was a Thursday.

You were born on a Thursday
under the astrological sign Capricorn.
Your Life path number is 7.

Your fortune cookie reads:
The first step to better times is to imagine them.

Life Path Compatibility:
You are most compatible with those with the Life Path numbers 1, 5 & 7.
You should get along well with those with the Life Path numbers 4 & 22.
You may or may not get along well with those with the Life Path number 9.
You are least compatible with those with the Life Path numbers 2, 3, 6, 8 & 11.

The Julian calendar date of your birth is 2446803.5.
The golden number for 1987 is 12.
The epact number for 1987 is 0.
The year 1987 was not a leap year.

Your birthday falls into the Chinese year beginning 2/9/1986 and ending 1/28/1987.
You were born in the Chinese year of the Tiger.

Your Native American Zodiac sign is Goose; your plant is Bramble.

You were born in the Egyptian month of Famenoth, the third month of the season of Poret (Emergence - Fertile soil).

Your date of birth on the Hebrew calendar is 7 Tevet 5747.
Or if you were born after sundown then the date is 8 Tevet 5747.

The Mayan Calendar long count date of your birthday is 12.18.13.11.19 which is
12 baktun 18 katun 13 tun 11 uinal 19 kin

The Hijra (Islamic Calendar) date of your birth is Thursday, 7 Jumadiyu'l-Avval 1407 (1407-5-7).

The date of Easter on your birth year was Sunday, 19 April 1987.
The date of Orthodox Easter on your birth year was Sunday, 19 April 1987.
The date of Ash Wednesday (the first day of Lent) on your birth year was Wednesday 4 March 1987.
The date of Whitsun (Pentecost Sunday) in the year of your birth was Sunday 7 June 1987.
The date of Whisuntide in the year of your birth was Sunday 14 June 1987.
The date of Rosh Hashanah in the year of your birth was Thursday, 24 September 1987.
The date of Passover in the year of your birth was Tuesday, 14 April 1987.
The date of Mardi Gras on your birth year was Tuesday 3 March 1987.

As of 7/22/2010 11:41:55 AM EDT
You are 23 years old.
You are 282 months old.
You are 1,228 weeks old.
You are 8,596 days old.
You are 206,315 hours old.
You are 12,378,941 minutes old.
You are 742,736,515 seconds old.

Celebrities who share your birthday:

Ami Dolenz (1969)R. Kelly (1969)Don Bendell (1947)
David Bowie (1947)Robby Krieger (1946)Stephen Hawking (1942)
Yvette Mimieux (1939)Shirley Bassey (1937)Elvis Presley (1935)
Charles Osgood (1933)Soupy Sales (1926)Ron Moody (1924)
Larry Storch (1923)Jos‚ Ferrer (1912)Butterfly McQueen (1911)
Galina Ulanova (1910)James Longstreet (1821)

Top songs of 1987
Faith by George MichaelLivin' On a Prayer by Bon Jovi
Alone by HeartWith or Without You by U2
La Bamba by Los LobosI Wanna Dance with Somebody by Whitney Houston
Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now by StarshipI Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For by U2
Didn't We Almost Have It All by Whitney HoustonI Knew You Were Waiting by Aretha Franklin & George Michael

Your age is the equivalent of a dog that is 3.36438356164384 years old. (Life's just a big chewy bone for you!)

Your lucky day is Saturday.
Your lucky number is 8.
Your ruling planet(s) is Saturn & Uranus.
Your lucky dates are 8th, 17th, 26th.
Your opposition sign is Cancer.
Your opposition number(s) is 2 & 7.

Today is not one of your lucky days!

There are 170 days till your next birthday
on which your cake will have 24 candles.

Those 24 candles produce 24 BTUs,
or 6,048 calories of heat (that's only 6.0480 food Calories!) .
You can boil 2.74 US ounces of water with that many candles.

In 1987 there were approximately 3.7 million births in the US.
In 1987 the US population was approximately 226,545,805 people, 64.0 persons per square mile.
In 1987 in the US there were 2,421,000 marriages (9.9%) and 1,157,000 divorces (4.8%)
In 1987 in the US there were approximately 1,990,000 deaths (8.8 per 1000)
In the US a new person is born approximately every 8 seconds.
In the US one person dies approximately every 12 seconds.

In 1987 the population of Australia was approximately 16,394,641.
In 1987 there were approximately 243,959 births in Australia.
In 1987 in Australia there were approximately 114,113 marriages and 39,725 divorces.
In 1987 in Australia there were approximately 117,321 deaths.

Your birth flower is CARNATION

Your birthstone is Garnet

The Mystical properties of Garnet

Garnet is used as a power stone
Some lists consider these stones to be your birthstone. (Birthstone lists come from Jewelers, Tibet, Ayurvedic Indian medicine, and other sources)
Emerald, Rose Quartz

Your birth tree is
Fir Tree, the Mysterious

Extraordinary taste, dignity, cultivated airs, loves anything beautiful, moody, stubborn, tends to egoism but cares for those close to it,rather modest, very ambitious, talented, industrious uncontent lover, many friends, many foes, very reliable.


There are 156 days till Christmas 2010!
There are 169 days till Orthodox Christmas!

The moon's phase on the day you were
born was waxing gibbous.

------------------------------------------------------------

There are 22 letters in your name.
Those 22 letters total to 91
There are 11 vowels and 11 consonants in your name.

What your first name means:

ShakespeareanFemale'King Richard III' Elizabeth, Queen to King Edward IV.
HebrewFemaleMy God is bountiful;God of plenty. Elizabeth was mother of John the Baptist in the bible. In England Queen Elizabeth I and II.One of the most frequently used names in England.
GreekFemaleFrom the Hebrew Elisheba, meaning either oath of God, or God is satisfaction. Famous bearer: Old Testament Elizabeth was mother of John the Baptist and one of the earliest known bearers of this name; Queen Elizabeth II.
EnglishFemaleMy God is bountiful;God of plenty. Elizabeth was mother of John the Baptist in the bible. In England Queen Elizabeth I and II. One of the most frequently used names in England.
BiblicalFemaleThe oath or fullness of God
Arthurian LegendFemaleSister of Mark.

Your number is: 1

The characteristics of #1 are: Initiating action, pioneering, leading, independent, attaining, individual.

The expression or destiny for #1:
A number 1 Expression denotes the skilled executive with keen administrative capabilities. You must develop the capacity to be a fine leader, sales executive, or promoter. You have the tools to become an original person with a creative approach to problem solving, and a penchant for initiating action. Someone may have to follow behind you to handle the details, but you know how to get things going and make things happen. You have a good mind and the ability to use it for your advancement. Because of these factors, you have much potential for achievement and financial rewards. Frequently, this expression belongs to one running a business or striving to achieve a level of accomplishment on ones talents and efforts. You have little need for much supervision, preferring to act on your own with little restraint. You are both ambitious and determined. Self-confident and self-reliant must be yours, as you develop a strong unyielding will and the courage of your convictions.

Although you fear loneliness, you want to be left alone. You fear routine and being in a rut. You often jump the gun because you are afraid of being left behind.

The negative attributes of the 1 Expression are egotism and a self-centered approach to life. This is an aggressive number and if it is over-emphasized it is very hard to live with. You do not have to be overly aggressive to fulfill your destiny. The 1 has a natural instinct to dominate and to be the boss; adhering to the concept of being number One. Again, you do not have to dominate and destroy in order to lead and manage.

Your Soul Urge number is: 7

A Soul Urge number of 7 means:
With a number 7 Soul Urge you are very fond of reading, and retreating to periods of being alone and away from the disruptions of the outer world. You like to dream and develop you idealistic understandings, to study and analyze, to gain knowledge and wisdom. You may be too laid back and withdrawn to really succeed in the business world, and you will be much more comfortable in circumstances that are tolerant of your reserve, your analytical approach, and your desire to use your mind rather than your physical being.

You are very timid around people that you don't know very well, so much so at times that casual conversation and social situations can be strained. You tend to repress your emotions to the extend that some people have a good bit of difficult understanding you. You tend to be very selective with friends and you don't easily adapt to new environments or to new people very quickly.

The negative traits of the 7 include becoming too much the introvert and isolated from others.

Your Inner Dream number is: 3

An Inner Dream number of 3 means:
You dream of artistic expression; writing, painting, music. You would seek to more freely express your inner feeling and obtain more enjoyment from life. You also dream of being more popular, likable, and appreciated.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

society thinking under a maudlin atmosphere filled with gray clouds and rain-filled afternoons.

I say I don't lie but the truth is I do.
People always lie.
Such a motto could make someone as hardened as me
undoubtedly paranoid.
This is no way to live.
Pitting instinct against faith is like matching
up a dog and rooster for some sort of animal fighting,
the winner is definitely the stronger one with far bigger paws.
Losing makes me a schizophrenic bipolar attention grabbing
mistress.
It brings out the worst in me.
-----------------------------------------------
And then there are moments like this that makes me just want
to scream and tell the world to please leave me alone because
I don't want to be exposed:

Dead Stars - just like Alfredo, a lot of us see them in our “heaven” of thoughts. Sometimes we feel as if the feeling is still there, that in one moment during our present, we recall these memories that had packed our past emotions with a sky of rainbows, enough to make us feel in love and hurt all in a short while. These dead stars are “things we remember occasionally, not solely because of the other person, but because of who we were at the time. The other person doesn’t even play a big part in the production anymore; he or she is just a character, a supporting role. The main attraction is how it made us feel, the relationship, the emotions involved.” (Caravaggio, www.peyups.com)
-------------------------------------------------

strategic plots and pseudo sisterhood hovers in my recently
changed legal life. One day they were even persuasive enough
that I was made to believe in a happy situation filled with
genuine smiles of an affectionate standard. But then there were
more days that I see the black and white of their technicolor
words. And then I wake up and feel the pull of loneliness and
lack of attention dragging me where I thought I don't want to
be. And then I wake up further and realize that it wasn't really
what I truly wanted so I stopped and just smelled the flowers
along the road. Then like a spotlight granting much needed light
in the stage, I found myself the source of light in a dimly lighted
theater. I cannot even fathom how I got there.
-------------------------------------------------

Ice cream nights and laughter filled afternoons along with slow
mornings became my world. Does it satisfy? maybe and then again
maybe not.
I miss the lure of a strangely filled day with nothing but
stress and books to light up my sincerely monotonous life.
I miss the person I used to be with or without you.

Monday, July 19, 2010

law school and break-ups

another one of my friends broke up with her boyfriend
apparently "he cannot take it anymore"
because "law school takes too much of her time"
it is always the same reason,
always the same complains
and almost always the same conclusion
which is why when they oriented us at law school
the professors warned us about break-ups and emotional turmoil
they even advised us to stay single till we took the bar or
else hook up with fellow law students instead
or someone with the same career demands such as med students
my friends and I just laughed when he heard that laughable advice
thinking they were just joking
but sometimes when quarrels about time and complaints
about who is important in our lives came up
we just can't help but feel that maybe we should have heeded
their advice
that maybe it was really worth listening to
because it might have saved us all those sleepless nights spent
crying instead of studying or resting
and all those emotional days spent mopping around rather than
focusing on that day's recitation
but we had chosen this
so I suppose we must stick with it
-------------------------------------------------
I don't know much about relationships
I have almost always decidedly failed at it
I don't have a single clue on how to make it work
less so in making it enjoyable
but I am not giving up
I don't want to follow the trend
I love defying trends...
and I love him so I guess
I'll just have to make it work
and he'll just have to endure it all over again

if he can...

Sunday, July 11, 2010

andy warhol inspires me at the moment

Andy Warhol Collage Style 31000 Images

Thursday, July 01, 2010

great advice.

You messed up yesterday…

You said the wrong words…

Took the wrong turn…

Loved the wrong person…

Reacted the bad way…

You spoke when you should have listened…

Walked when you should have waited…

Judged when you should have trusted…

Indulged when you should have resisted…

You messed up yesterday.

But you’ll mess it up more if you let yesterday’s mistakes

Ruined today’s attitude.

Today’s a new day.

LIVE IT WELL.


---from beautifulquotestoliveby.blogspot.com


 
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