simplicity and vanity.

When you've done everything you can, let it go. That's simplicity. Worrying now would be vanity.

touch of fiction.

the feel of palm against palm
thumb caressing thumb
pinky teasing pinky
forefinger on forefinger
it was almost sensual,
slightly even feverish and fast
and yet
the deliberateness of it had undone me
they say that the eyes cannot lie but I would say the hands;
especially your hands,
they do not lie...

and in the dark they scream the whole truth

grandma.

My paternal grandmother is a small woman, with tattooed eyebrows and still thick curly hair. She looked harmless enough but one should not be fooled by her small stature for she is someone to reckoned with. She had lived through so many hardships that I cannot help but wonder how she survived all those years.

She was a teenager during the war, dodging the Japanese and discreetly helping the guerillas. After the war she finished studying and pursued a career in teaching at a time when women were not expected to have careers. During the post-war era she traveled all over the country teaching at different schools. It was during one of these forays in the country that she met my grandfather, then an aspiring lawyer. She got married at an age that was considered old by that time and then put my grandfather through law school. When my grandfather died she raised my father and his siblings alone, putting them through professional school and law school just by her meager principal's income. She was a working mother long before working mothers were accepted by society. She fought prejudice in every turn.
She retired at age 60, lived in Bangkok with my aunt and her Thai husband. Went to Saudi for a few years with my uncle and his family. Then went back to live with each of his children here in the city. She got her small intestine removed at 70, had her eyes lasered at age 75 and went to live alone in her big house at the province at age 76.

She is smart and funny. Strict but loving. Family-oriented but independent. I adore her completely.

She is old now and she can't do all the things that she used to do. She has mellowed through the years.

And now she is sick and I can't even visit her.
:(

pondering..

Do you think that being loyal also means being trustworthy?
Or is it the other way around, that being trustworthy means you are loyal?
Is fidelity also measured by how much loyalty a person has?
I know they are interrelated somehow, if not pertaining to the same thing
and yet I can't help but feel that something in that relation is missing.

and is your inability to trust others just a manifestation of your inability to trust yourself?
say that you doubt all the time only because you don't trust yourself?

no sleep and 1000 more pages to go

I was at your station.
At the school we shared.
With rain steadily falling.
So of course I thought of you.
Of course. imy

01/08/11

Thank you Lord for the gift of life.
The days leading to my birthday this year may not be all brilliant but it was a good learning experience.

Thank you Lord for the gift of friendship.
Because during the days that are not so brilliant, my friends were there to cheer me up
and help me forget.

Thank you Lord for the gift of love.
For without it my life would have been devoid of its current liveliness.

Continue to guide me as I journey through life, lead me to the right paths and help me make the right decisions. May everything be according to your will.
-------------------------------------------------------------

bonchon chicken.heineken beer.coffee crunch cake.cupcakes.gummiworms.planner.parker pen.new money.admu.gesu.up.roc.qc circle.crossing.tiendesitas. balloon.recordedsong.book.fountain pen prototype.load.statio.glee.trolli burger.skyflakes.pillow.videomsg.chocolate.gift cert.bookmark.cheese and rum cake.yanyan.hightlighter.birthdaymsgs.sambong tea.letters.24th spent amnesia girl style. :)

of whipped creams and frappes and overloaded confusion

but then again I can write words that were meant to be read but not understood. an afternoon coffee and a pocketful of sunshine does that to my brain. hello happy glow of uncertainty. hi there sunglasses. i am thinking of summer, yes that is true. even when the nights are often cold and mosquitoes still bite me like crazy. i so love mocha frappes. and yeah you love whipped creams. extra extra on the side. i missed the quiet solitude moments like this brings. and yeah we all know what that means. ah the thoughts in my head are all jumbled now. this is what you do to me. and yeah yeah coffee too. this is why we don't need alcohol. we get high just like this. simply like this. hello you.

protection.

for all his quiet moroseness and quick temper
my father has never failed to protect me
one small comment and he comes rushing
outside with his sword
like some old samurai
:))

1.1.11

hello 2011!
I just want a stable year ahead please.
Enough of the drama and the changes.
I just want to set things right.
so please please just be steady