the little thoughts in my head.

11pm sleepiness
there I was staring at the ceiling and thinking of scripted moments with
the monotonous buzzing of the distant fan as background
all droopy eyes and heavy lids
when the casual cruelty of it hit me like the dreaded lightning in a thunderstorm
that and everything I've previously contemplated suddenly
made me stop wondering whether to make a jump a leap
or to make the simple hi turn to an elaborate hello
because that was when I knew of the simplicity of it all
I just cannot fight a memory

2am grogginess
it used to be little light bulb moments but now they call it a different name
perhaps the almost religious enlightenment or the weird anagnorisis
or maybe just the simple clicking of the missing pieces
again it was surprising and uncalled for
but maybe not unwelcome
it will remain then
perhaps forever

4am wakefulness
I cannot blame it on the dreams really
because I don't have them or if I do I probably just don't remember them
nightmares are out of the picture
I wonder then what is?
both worlds assume importance I can see
generosity notwithstanding
I wish it could have been different
more like that and less like this
perhaps then it would be more interesting
and the choices are not alternatives
but I really can't walk away

6am nonsense
so here I am typing in front of my laptop
musing things through, pretending to read cases
but muddling it all up in my head
the buzz of the fun is still monotonous and steady
my eyes still droopy and my lids are still heavy
but I need to sleep now
I guess I'll just live the moment and hope that history does not repeat itself


P.S
my stomach is still hurting, the friggin gastritis acting up again
must be why I keep waking up damnable intervals
ggggeeeeezzzzzzz