hmmm...

“….my life, for the most part, has been very stale and colorless. Dead, I mean. The world has always been an empty place to me. I was incapable of enjoying even the simplest things. I felt dead in everything I did.’ He brushed the dirt from his hands. ‘But then it changed,’ he said. ‘The night I killed that man…..It was the most important night of my life,’ he said calmly. ‘It enabled me to do what I’ve always wanted most.’
‘Which is?’
‘To live without thinking.’
Bees buzzed loudly in the honeysuckle. He went back to his rosebush, thinning the smaller branches at the top.’

-HENRY
Secret history by Donna Tartt