Rehab.

I still find it hard to stifle my reactions to him.
I still got surprised at the jolt of emotions I experience
everytime I read his words.
By now I should have been well apprised
of his new plight, maybe even of his anger towards me but
I can never really let go.
Was it regret? Pride? or that overrated feeling they
call love?
Hardly.
I think it was just a case of over familiarity
combined with my possessive nature.
For years he was somehow mine
and he could really have been
had I surrendered.
And sometimes
its really just hard to forget.
But its even harder to pretend indifference
when all I want is to hear about his life,
to pretend nonchalance when I really
want to indulge, to force myself to forget
when I can vividly remember
when it was me.
It can be quite a battle,
this farce of forgetting.
Sometimes I even think of surrendering just
so I could end this synaptic torment.
But at the end of the day, I remember
why I didn't choose him in the first place.
I remembered that it was my choice that
hurt him and drove him away.
I have to let him get on with his life.
It would be selfish and cruel of me not to do so.
I would not cause more damage.
I would not be like *a** who after toying with my
heart and deftly betraying my trust,
endeavored to remind me every chance he got
that my heart was once his. I think the odious
man largely misinterpreted my obvious
attempts at reconciliation.
Its almost a year now since THE INCIDENT.
Surprising really how time seemed to move
so fast.
But I won't be wasting my time anymore
recalling my somewhat miserable and lonely
2008. I just have to write my thoughts here
so I could sort everything out.
Its always helpful to write, I make better sense
of things this way.
And so speaking of the future,
I think its about time I look forward.
I really can't wait for what the new year brings...