why i am like this

i like walls but i dont like doors

i like mysteries but i dont like suspense

i like fences but i dont like gates

i like stories but i dont like short stories

dahil gusto ko lang

minsan naiisip ko paano kaya kung ibang tao ako?

paano kung ang tatay ko ay hindi ko tatay

at ang nanay ko ay hindi ko nanay?

paano kung anak ako ng intsik o kaya naman arabo?

paano kaya ang magiging buhay ko?

mas magiging madali ba o mas magiging mahirap?

madalas naiisip ko baka nga mas madali maging

anak ng ibang tao.

baka sakali mas madali ang takbo ng buhay ko.

baka sakali hindi ako madidiktahan kung anong

dapat kong gawin.

ngunit kapag nilalambing na ako ng nanay ko

at kinukulit ako ng kapatid ko

at hinahalikan ako ng mga tiyo at tiya ko

naiisip ko siguro ayos na din ang ganitong buhay

mahal naman ako ng mga kamag-anak ko

marami nga lang sila umaasa sakin

maraming nga lang pangarap na minsan hindi ko

naman pinangarap para sa sarili ko

ang drama nito

nakakainis lang

multiple smiles.

it was raining particularly hard and I was soaking wet
i woke up way too early for an 11am mass and it was so cold
i was tired from the trip and was a bit grumpy
i kept complaining to my mom
then this little kid came up to me
and with a smile on her face
said "merry christmas ate! gusto mo ng sampaguita?"
she didn't begged and she kept on smiling
and just like that my day got better
---------------

we were at the sala and little Draven was being put to sleep
my younger cousins were sifting through old photographs
and my mom and aunts were pouring red wine and soju
my sister was looking at my cousins' yearbooks
and my other cousins were singing and
laughing rather loudly outside
we were all smiling
---------------

i went down because i was tired of posing at the photobooth
and because there were too many people i don't know
and too many people staring at me
i had to keep smiling though because it was the polite thing
to do
--------------

i caught him smoking and looking far away
my sister and cousins followed us
and my other cousin smoked with him
he became the butt of our jokes, green and otherwise
we kept teasing him about being single for the first
time in five years and he just kept on smoking
and smiling
and as the jokes go on
the cigarette butts on the floor kept on piling too
---------------

i kissed him on the cheek
and whispered sorry for all the jokes my cousins and sister
made on his behalf and
for reminding him about his love problems
he just smiled at me and said
"don't worry ate, strong ata to noh"
and i also just smiled back

tulaang matalinghaga

ano nga ba ang sukatan
ang iyong dalamhati ba o ang kaya kong ibigay?
ikaw nga ba ang sugatan
o maaring sa iba ang tunay na pagsasalaysay?

sa aking pagtawid sa mga linyang sumisigaw ng pula
manunumbalik ba ako sa yakap mo?
at sa aking pagwasak sa mga dingding ng pangkatao mo
may mahahagkan pa ba ako?

mahiwaga ang mga ito
ngunit sadya bang matalanghiga?
namimistulang pangarap
pero mananatili nga bang magara?
-rich-
--------------------------------------
kaya mas nanaisin ko na nga sigurong ayusin ang buhay mo

acrophobia--fear of heights

I realized that what I was really afraid of is not the high place but the imminent danger of falling.
I was simply afraid to fall.
That this nuisance of a fear is really caused by my fear of falling rather than my fear of heights.
And if we really think about it, this is not at all irrational.
Because who the heck wants to fall?

my day/night yesterday

piano playing in the background
dirty talk
bruises in my arms
problematic friends
logic versus love
and relearning how to bike

because i can't find my other fountain pen.

in olden times the only way to write and share your thoughts was to write them down with the use of a quill and later on with a pen. if i had lived then i probably would have no friends because i would be too lazy to correspond with them.
i was never one for writing longhand. my handwriting is unreadable and i often forgot where i put my "journals". that is why i prefer keeping online journals, typing is faster. but i doodle and write small phrases every now and then. it keeps my hand familiar with the feel of a pen in it. hehe.
i lost my other fountain pen. it was the one my mom gave me. can't remember where i last saw it. and the one my dad bought me is too heavy. i don't want to bring it to school all the time. so as i was writing case digests with an ordinary pen someone gave me, i realized i need a new one. something light and easy to write with. preferably somewhat special. nothing fancy. just something out of the ordinary. :)

different.

today I did something spontaneous
nothing wild or anything
just simply out of the normal routine
I guess I needed that...
some light movie and friends to laugh with
pretending for some moments that I have
nowhere else to be, nothing much to do
I needed that...
----------------------------

i dont like watching tagalog movies
they are often poorly constructed and mushy and boring
but i like toni's films
they always make me laugh and think
i loved this (amnesia girl) movie
because it made me laugh and think
and it made me see
what really constitutes a sorry

------------------------------

i wanted to believe in forever too
i wanted to be that eternally hopeful and optimistic individual
who believes in fairy tales and romance
and in a happily ever after to every love story
i wanted to be able to trust again
i wanted to believe that somewhere out there
someone like Apollo and Irene exists

-----------------------------

i wish i can offer myself whole to you
sometimes it saddens me that i can't be who i used to be
that what you have to make do of is this broken, complicated
disillusioned version of me
granted i had always been complicated and maybe disillusioned
but i was not broken
at least not to the extent that i am now
maybe you would have dealt better with that version of me

but then I second guess myself again
and think that maybe this version of me
is not all that bad
and that we were fated to meet
at this time in our lives because this is the right time for us
I don't know if what I used to be is better than who I am now
but what I do know is that
I am not that person anymore
I may be complicated, disillusioned and broken
but now I am also more than willing to fix myself and try
---------------------------------------

and they are just memories now
vivid and brilliant at times
almost real in fact
but they are exactly that
just vivid and brilliant reminders of what was
almost real but not quite

flashes.

phone on vibrate
your name flashing on the screen
once, twice, thrice
and the count goes on

me on reverse
pictures flashing on every turn
once, twice, thrice
and the count goes on

you on rewind
scintillating words in every beat
once, twice, thrice
and the count goes on

us on memory lane
memories scintillating every pause
once, twice, thrice
and the count goes on
-rich-

the perfect timing.

is there really such a thing?
or is it just a social construct, much like
society's belief in forever?

existence and memories.

we theorized that personality and characteristics aside
there is something lodged in our inner selves
the core of our humanity, the essence
of our existence
we said that if we peel every layer of our being
there would remain something that would determine
who we really are
that something that would not change
no matter what happens
or how many personality changes we make
it is the core of who we are as a person
--------------------------------------------------------
I was feeling so nostalgic so I logged on to an old friendster account
and read all the comments about me and the messages in my inbox.
I can't help but smile at the things people say about my young self
but I also can't help but notice how weird it is that even the new
people in my life say the same things about me.
Granted I am not as "makulit" as I used to, nor am I as
patient or as understanding but I am certain I am still
a good listener and I still try my best to make people smile.
I can't help but wonder then if I am only playing a role or
if it is who I really am...

But this "about me" that I wrote a few years back
is still true
so maybe there really is something inside us
that doesn't change...

simple lang akong tao
kuntento na ko sa mga tawag at text messages mo
hindi mo kailangan maging galante at mapagpanggap
sa akin maari kang maging totoo

simple lang akong tao
tama na sakin ang mga ginagawa mo
hindi mo kailangan ipakita na iba ka sa kanila
sa akin importante lang ang laman ng puso mo

simple lang akong tao
at oo alam kong nakakatawa na ito
gusto ko lang malaman mo
na totoo ang mga sinabi ko

simple lang akong tao
tandaan mo
AKO SI LIZBETH
at
wag mo kalimutan
SIMPLE LANG AKONG TAO