embracing changes.

I look up at the sky today and for the first time I didn't wish it was blue.
For the first time in many months I just hoped it would be pretty.

There are undoubtedly events in our lives that we didn't expect,
sometimes even unwelcome but we can't do anything about it
so we roll with the waves and go with the flow.
I was never one for changes, even viciously
hated it at one point but people grow up
and well I suppose I grew up too.
So it didn't matter now that the
sky was pink. I felt no pinch
there. Not even a tiny one.

I look up at the evening sky today and for the first time I didn't wish it would be clear.
For the first time in many months I just wished it would be beautiful.

There are moments in our lives where there are pauses that are filled with
silence. As if the lulls in conversations we have with people are the norm
rather than the rarity. There are days, weeks, months, even years of
unfulfilled, empty existence and we sometimes try to do something
about it but I suppose our lives are really doomed to have them.
I used to loved the silence, cherished the emptiness except that
I was really just dispelling my loneliness. I was just lying.
I knew that now. So it didn't matter that the sky is dark
as ink and there are no stars. I realized it is beautiful
with or without the stars or the moon. I felt no tug.
Not even a tiny one.

for the high seas that rocked my world.

there are always many things in life to be grateful for
and this is one of them so without further ado
I want to say thank you
for listening
for sharing
for loving
and simply
for existing

:)

when im bored.

I remembered the day we really met.
I remembered looking at that twisted little thing you dangled in front of me.
There I was staring at the unfathomable thing and thinking to myself how pitiful that it was so dilapidated because you said it was once so pretty.

I remembered telling you that I like fixing broken things.
I remembered you smiling that knowing smile I had now come to know so well.
There I was accepting an unspoken challenge and thinking to myself how weird it is that I understand you so easily.

I remembered every little detail.
I remembered the way I hoped it would look pretty again.
There I was working so damn hard and saying to myself every time I feel like giving up that I promised I would do my very best to make it look the way it once was.

I remembered every single thing.
I remembered the way you say "shhh" every time I cried and tried.
There I was trying with all my might to make it work and fooling myself into thinking that you care even if all the while you say it is nigh impossible to do.

I remembered the day we really really really met.
I remembered looking at you and staring at that twisted little thing you dangled in front of me.
There I was staring at your still dilapidated heart, more twisted and scarred than I imagined it to be and knowing that I failed and knowing that I made it more so.

let go too quickly or hold on too much

wouldn't it be better if I can just strike the balance and not be one of either?
life would be so much simpler

they say that the problem with me is that I let go too quickly, too often, too much.
but I say that I hold on far longer, more often, much too slow than necessary.
they just didn't know about it because they let me push them away.

the little thoughts in my head.

11pm sleepiness
there I was staring at the ceiling and thinking of scripted moments with
the monotonous buzzing of the distant fan as background
all droopy eyes and heavy lids
when the casual cruelty of it hit me like the dreaded lightning in a thunderstorm
that and everything I've previously contemplated suddenly
made me stop wondering whether to make a jump a leap
or to make the simple hi turn to an elaborate hello
because that was when I knew of the simplicity of it all
I just cannot fight a memory

2am grogginess
it used to be little light bulb moments but now they call it a different name
perhaps the almost religious enlightenment or the weird anagnorisis
or maybe just the simple clicking of the missing pieces
again it was surprising and uncalled for
but maybe not unwelcome
it will remain then
perhaps forever

4am wakefulness
I cannot blame it on the dreams really
because I don't have them or if I do I probably just don't remember them
nightmares are out of the picture
I wonder then what is?
both worlds assume importance I can see
generosity notwithstanding
I wish it could have been different
more like that and less like this
perhaps then it would be more interesting
and the choices are not alternatives
but I really can't walk away

6am nonsense
so here I am typing in front of my laptop
musing things through, pretending to read cases
but muddling it all up in my head
the buzz of the fun is still monotonous and steady
my eyes still droopy and my lids are still heavy
but I need to sleep now
I guess I'll just live the moment and hope that history does not repeat itself


P.S
my stomach is still hurting, the friggin gastritis acting up again
must be why I keep waking up damnable intervals
ggggeeeeezzzzzzz

reminders.

I saw your car today, the old white hi-ace with paint chipping off the sides, and I realized I only really have one good memory of you.

You asked me if we could walk to the train station together. It was beginning to rain. You were the boy who didn’t take off his headphones and I was the girl who wore too many bracelets and we had nothing to talk about (not the weather, no) so we talked about Physics. I nodded as you explained the nature of gravity and you must have thought I was dumb. We quickened our pace, our Physics textbooks jumping in our bags.

You took out your umbrella midway. We huddled close and almost ran, and you made me take the only empty seat in the train. Your stop was ahead and I still had two stations to go so I waved a casual bye, took out the textbook, and you walked out. But then you came running back into the train, your shadow falling over a page, and you handed me your umbrella.

I do not know where those four years went. When I think of college I don’t think of you. One day, I left your umbrella some place and didn’t notice I no longer had it.

---from http://wordswidenight.tumblr.com


I posted this just because it mentioned train stations, umbrella, rain, headphones, bracelets, and college in one post.
All the things that once we were a part of

The Rescue.

So I had recently finished reading a book by Nicholas Sparks and since Banking Laws don't interest me at the moment I decided to type my favorite parts of the book.

All the years of wondering exactly what that meant, all the years of loneliness, had led to this place, this here and now. He reached out and took her hand, feeling the softness of her skin as a well of tenderness rose within him.

You know how you are in things like this. Remember Valerie? Remember Lori? If you don't, I do. You go out with 'em, you pour on the charm, you spend all your time with them, you get them to fall in love with you...and then wham--end it.

But as idyllic as everything seemed, there were moments in which Denise sensed an undercurrent of restlessness in Taylor she couldn't exactly pin down. As he had during their first night together, Taylor would sometimes get that unreadable, almost distant look after they made love. He would hold her and caress her as usual, but she could sense something in him that made her vaguely uncomfortable, something dark and unknowable that made him seem older and more tired than Denise had ever felt.

On the surface, everything seemed the same. All that had really changed was a suddenly intense devotion to work, which he'd already explained. Yet...

She hated waiting for the phone to ring.
It wasn't like her to be this way;the experience a new one.
*******Not that she stopped living her life, as her roommate had done. She had too many responsibilities for that. But it didn't stop her from racing to the phone every time it rang and feeling disappointed every time it wasn't Taylor. The whole thing made her feel helpless, a sensation she detested. She wasn't nor had she ever been, the helpless type, and she refused to become that now.

I've just been thinking that we've been seeing each other for a few months now, but sometimes I don't know where you stand on all this. I mean this last couple of weeks...I don't know...sometimes it feels like you're pulling away. You've been working such long hours that we haven't had much time together, and then we you didn't call...
She trailed off, leaving the rest unspoken, knowing she'd already said these things before. She felt his body stiffen just a little as she heard his answer coming out in a hoarse whisper.

I've already explained that.
Yes, you did---you explained each and every situation. But don't you see the pattern?
He turned toward the clock on the wall, staring at it, stubbornly avoiding her question.
Denise ran her hand through her hair. "But more than that, you don't talk to me anymore. And I'm beginning to wonder if you ever really did."

Sure you are. You're trying to get in my head so you can try to fix what's wrong. But nothing's wrong Denise, at least not with me. I am who I am, and if you can't handle it, maybe you shouldn't try.

I'm not blind to what's been happening to us these last few weeks. You're pulling away from me---from both of us---no matter how much you try to deny it. It's obvious, Taylor. What I don't understand is why you're doing it.
I've been busy at work, Taylor began halfheartedly.
That may be true, but it's not the whole truth.
Denise took a deep breath, willing her voice not to break.
I know you're holding something back, and if you can't, or don't, want to talk about it, there's not much I can do. But whatever it is, it's driving you away.

I don't want to lose you.
His voice almost a whisper.
Seeing his haggard expression, she took his hand and squeezed it, then reluctantly let it go. She could feel the tears again, and she fought them back.
But you don't want to keep me either, do you?
To that he had no response.

Why? Do you want to rescue me too, Taylor?***********
Oh Taylor, it's the same thing. She hesitated, her expression at once knowing and sad.
It's what you've been doing your whole life. You sense that someone needs help, and if you can, you give her exactly what she needs. And now, you're turning your sights on us.
I'm not turning my sights on you.
Yes you are. It's what you did with Valerie after her boyfriend left her, it's what you did with Lori when she felt so alone. It's what you did with Denise when you found out how hard her life was. Think of all the things you did for her, right from the very beginning.

You feel the need to make things better, Taylor. You always have. You may not believe it, but everything in your life proves that over and over. Even your jobs. As a contractor, you fix things that are broken. As a fireman, you save people. Mitch never understood that about you, but to me, it was obvious. It's who you are.

When you hit bad patches your life, you don't turn to me, you don't turn to friends. You come here. No matter what the question or the problem, you always come to the decision that you're better off alone, just like now.
**************** Can't you see why that hurts me? I can't help but think how sad it must be for you to live your life without people---people who could offer you support or simply lend an ear when you need it. And it's all because of me.

Loving someone and having them love you back is the most precious thing in the world. It's what made it possible for me to go on, but you don't seem to realize that. Even when love is right there in front of you, you choose to turn away from it. You're alone because you want to be.

And because of that, you've shut yourself off from the world. I don't know why...maybe you don't think you deserve to be happy, maybe you're afraid that if you finally allow yourself to love someone, you'd be admitting that you weren't responsible...maybe you're afraid of leaving your own family behind. I don't know what it is, but all those things are wrong. I can't think of another way to tell you.

simply stated.

"This is a good sign, having a broken heart. It means we have tried for something. "
--Elizabeth Gilbert (eat.pray.love)

COULD being the operative word.

IT MATTERS NOT

we could say a thousand things of superficial importance
hurl subtle hints of affection
we could pray for miracles of undeterred significance
hurdle theories of perfection
but you know that I know
that it matters not

What matters is the end of it
the beginning of a wished for life

we could hear many unspoken declarations
influence moments of perseverance
we could fear unsupported inspirations
instill beliefs of endurance
but I know that you know
that it matters not

What matters is the life of it
the end of what we knew we shared

-rich-

the speech that made me remember the days of struggling.

This speech was delivered by a La Sallian engineer in one of the graduation ceremonies at the UP College of Engineering.

Ngayong araw na ito, sa ating pagtatapos, mayroon akong dalang Transcript of Record. Ang estudyanteng may-ari ng transcript na ito ay nag-aral sa De La Salle University. Sa unibersidad na ito, kapag ikaw ay isang undergraduate, may ID number ka na nagsisimula sa “94” at pataas, kung lumipas ang isang buong school year at umabot ka sa 15 units na bagsak, masisipa ka sa paaralan.



Ang transcript na hawak ko ay mayroong 27 units ng bagsak. 12 sa mga ito ay tinamo ng estudyante sa iisang schoolyear lang. Ang isang subject ay kadalasang may bigat na 3 units. Kung iisiping mabuti, isang subject na bagsak na lang ay pwede na masipa ang estudyanteng may-ari ng transcript na ito.


Ang speech na ito ay hindi ko ginawa para i-acknowledge ang paghihirap ng ating mga magulang sa pagpapaaral satin. Hindi ko din ito ginawa para maghayag ng political statement, o kumbinsihin kayo na huwag umalis sa bansa at tulungan itong makaahon. Ang speech na ito ay para sa mga normal na estudyante na kagaya ng may may-ari ng transcript na hawak ko, dahil madalas, wala talagang pakialam ang unibersidad sa mga achievements nila. May mga awards na gaya ng “Summa Cum Laude”, “Best Thesis Award” at “Leadership Award.” Pero ni minsan, hindi pa ako nakakakita ng unibersidad na nagbigay ng “Hang-on and managed to graduate despite nearly getting kicked-out during his academic stay” award.


Maaaring isang malaking kagaguhan ang konseptong ito para sa karamihan. Bakit mo pararangalan ang isang estudyanteng bulakbol, bobo, tamad o iresponsable? Hindi ba dapat isuka ito ng unibersidad? Ito yung mga tipo ng estudyanteng walang ia-asenso sa buhay, hindi ba?


Ayun. Natumbok niyo.Iyun na nga ang dahilan.


Madalas, pag ang isang estudyante ay may pangit na marka sa paaralan, lalong lalo na sa kolehiyo, nakakapanghina ito ng loob. Nandiyan yung tatamarin ka mag-aral, nandyan yung iisipin mo “Ano pa kayang trabaho ang makukuha ko? Call center na naman o clerical? Ba’t kasi ang bobo ko. Kung matalino lang ako, sana, sa Proctor and Gamble ako, o kung saang sikat na kumpanya.”


Mas mahirap ang dinadaanan ng mga estudyanteng bumabagsak. Kahit na sabihin mong kasalanan nilang bumabagsak sila, hindi ninyo alam kung ano ang pakiramdam ng ganun. Madaling sabihin na “Kaya mo yan, mag-aral ka lang,” pero alam ba natin talaga ang sinasabi natin?


Kapag ang isang estudyante ay bumabagsak sa unibersidad, nandiyan yung tatawanan niya lang yan. O di kaya naman, ipagmamalaki niya pang “TAKE 5 NA KO!!!” o “Pare, magpi-PhD na ako sa Anmath3/Calculus/etc.” Pero hindi alam ng mga isang Summa Cum Laude kung ano ang nasa isip ng isang normal na estudyante sa tuwing matutulog ito at alam niyang pag-gising niya, kailangan niya na namang ulitin ang isang subject na nakuha niya na sa susunod na term.


Kahit kalian, hindi naging problema sa “Star Student” na sabihing “Nay, bagsak ako.” at hindi kailanman sumagi sa isip nila na “Paano kaya kung sa walang-pangalang kumpanya lang ako makapagtrabaho?” Dahil sigurado sila sa kinabukasan nila.


Huwag na tayong maglokohan. Grades are everything.Kahit bali-baligtarin mo iyan, hindi magiging patas ang mga kumpanyang kumukuha ng fresh graduates para magtrabaho sa kanila. Minsan din naman, nadadaan sa palakasan, pero ganun pa din. Kung hindi ka academically good, wala kang patutunguhan. Kung hindi man yun, mas mahirap yung dadaanan mo para lang makaabot sa prestihiyosong posisyon.


Kaya ngayong graduation, ang speech na ito ay inaaalay ko para sa mga estudyanteng lumagpak, muntik-muntikan nang masipa o yung sa lahat ng paraang pwede, ginawa na para lang makatapos. Gagawin kong patas ang mundo para sa inyo kahit isang araw lang. Kahit ano pa ang sabihin ng ibang tao, kesyo kasalanan mo man na pangit ang marka mo o muntik ka nang makick-out, saludo ako sa hindi mo pagtigil sa pag-aaral. Saludo ako na may lakas ka ng loob na harapin pa rin ang mundo kahit alam mong hindi ito magiging patas sa iyo.Saludo ako na kahit pangit ang transcript mo, taas noo ka pa rin ngayong graduation at proud na proud sa sarili mo.


Ano ngayon ang mangyayari sa mga graduates pagkatapos nitong graduation? Ayoko nang puntahan yung pwedeng mangyayari sa mga Cum Laude. Baduy. Alam mo namang may patutunguhan ang buhay nila e. Pero dun sa mga lumagpak, ano ang meron?


Maaring makakuha kayo ng mediocre na trabaho lang. Pwede ka rin swertehin, baka makapagtrabaho ka sa magandang kumpanya. Madami pang pwedeng mangyari. Huwag kayong mawalan ng pag-asa. Kung nung college, nagtiyaga kayo e ba’t titigilan niyo yung pagti-tiyaga ngayon?


Pwede ring ganito: Mag-aral ka ulit. Ipakita mo sa kanila na kung sisipagin ka lang, malayo ang mararating mo. Subukan mong patunayan sa kanila na kapag pinilit mo, kaya mo ring abutin yung naabot nila. Na hindi ka bobo, kundi tinamad ka lang.


Baka sabihin ninyo, drowing lang ako.


I’ve been on both sides. Naranasan ko na ring lumagpak, at muntikan na din akong masipa. Naranasan ko na ang umulit ng 4 na beses sa iisang subject. Naranasan ko na ang masumbatan ng magulang, kapatid at kung sino-sino pang propesor na walang pakialam sa pakiramdam ng estuyante. Naranasan ko nang hindi makatulog ng maraming gabi sa pagiisip kung paano ko na naman sasabihin sa magulang ko na may bagsak na naman ako. Kaya alam ko ang pakiramdam ninyo.


Akin ang transcript na ito.


Pagkagraduate ko ng college, ano ang ginawa ko? Eto.Nagtrabaho muna ng konti, tapos aral ulit. Kuha ng Masteral sa kurso ko. Hindi para sa trabaho o kung ano man. Kundi para patunayan sa sarili ko na noong mga panahong bumabagsak ako, tinatamad lang ako.


This is a rebellion. I raise my middle finger to every professor, over-achiever, naysayer and detractor THAT TOLD ME THAT I CAN'T MAKE IT. I raise my middle finger to every valedictory or graduation speech that only gratifies the university, those who were achievers in school or those who gratify the country when it’s supposed to be the graduate’s moment of glory. You are supposed to acknowledge EVERYONE. Even those who failed many times.


Kaya sa inyong mga graduates na medyo hindi maganda ang marka, para sa inyo ito. Kung kinaya ko ito, kaya niyo rin to. Imposibleng hindi.

for the saints who have martyr tendencies and noble intentions.

yesterday.

fate.
There are a lot of people who believe that things don't just happen randomly. That there are no such things as happenstance or coincidence. That events in life must have occurred for a reason.
I was never among those who criticized the firm believers but I was also never among those who staunchly believed in it. I have always been neutral. Agreeing when I find it appropriate and disagreeing when I do not find it fitting.
But yesterday I witnessed a day when fate manifested its playful self.
It was all a matter of timing actually and maybe just a dash of self-indulgence.
If we had taken the stairs or the elevator instead of going down the very long escalator we wouldn't have been at the same time and place.
But like I said, fate is playful and surprising so it had to be the same time and place.
My friend said it was kind of funny and I must admit it was a bit hilarious but I was too preoccupied of what everything means I can't just laugh it off.
So here I am now surrounded by legal cases and law books, writing these thoughts on fate and contemplating nothing of legal significance.
Thinking "why the heck did that happen"?
The thing is it wasn't even my situation to contemplate. I wasn't the one totally affected because of the meeting. I was almost just a bystander. But yeah fate used me as some sort of pawn.
But what bothers me is why I was there to witness it in the first place
Is fate also trying to tell me something?
That I should believe in it because its real?
That maybe it is also time that I face my ghosts?
well whatever
I can't figure it out now
maybe someday I will...

spider webs.

silk-like strands that framed dusty ceilings and forgotten corners
fragile gossamer strings that keep reforming
annoying little things that stick
and make you cringe

funny anecdotes.

How would you make a technical description of San Beda College?

ANSWER: A parcel of land in the district of San Miguel, City of Manila. Bounded on the North by Legarda Street; on the South by Malacañang Palace; on the West by Centro Escolar University; and on the East by the Property of Mang Acong, with an area of such and such....

- Prof. Ciriaco Cruz, LTD Lecture Jokes

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is the Day Book in the Office of the Register of Deeds called as such?

ANSWER: Because you can not use it at night!
- Prof. Ciriaco Cruz, LTD Lecture Jokes

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What if you lose your certificate of title, what procedure should you follow?

ANSWER: Go by the roadside and cry!
- Prof. Ciriaco Cruz, LTD Lecture Jokes
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

What if you are the only heir to a parcel of land, where do you go to pay the necessary estate and inheritance taxes to be able to legally claim ownership over the parcel of land?

CLUE: What happens to a woman if she grows old?

ANSWER: B.I.R. (Babaeng Iniwanan ng Regla)
...
- Prof. Ciriaco Cruz, LTD Lecture
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

An Original Certificate of Title retains its nature until the owner of a parcel of land dies and/or transfers the ownership of the same to another through sale, mortgage, inheritance and the like.
Moral Lesson: If you do not want your original title to change into a Transfer Certificate of Title... DO NOT DIE!
- Prof. Ciriaco Cruz, Land Titles and Deeds Lecture